It is well with my soul.

I'm weak, woozy and I have no energy. My mind is hazy, and even though I know it is from the two Methotrexate injections I  took over the last two days, I can't will it away. It's in my blood, my muscle, my brain. I'm splitting the piss yellow colored dose in half and taking two injections over two days just like my Rheumatologist suggested, however, today it has not helped the sickness that comes with it.

Now, let me clarify something. I would much rather have this for two or three days a week as opposed to being bed-ridden and incapacitated like I was a year into having this disease. That kind of pain is something I hope I never experience again. 


My eyes feel heavy, not with that wonderful, relaxed, about to fall asleep- in the lounge chair- on the deck- on a warm summer evening heaviness either. It is a drug induced, lethargic manipulation of my body...for the betterment of my health.

Understand, I am not complaining, or seeking any sympathy. I'm just stating the facts. The facts that are in my life, my world, my well-being. The ubiquitous grayness that I experience with this life altering disease is as real, but maybe not as obvious, as the ubiquitous gray that now infiltrates my once dark brown, curly hair.


Over the years, I have learned to deal with the ups and downs, both physical and mental that come with the diagnosis. However, that does not mean that I have given in to it either. I have had to adjust; WE have had to adjust our lives, change plans, make tough decisions and carry on with life. But really...isn't that what EVERYONE has to do whether you have a disease or not? That's just part of living life!


I don't even attempt to tell others how to deal with their illnesses, physical limitations, mental limitations or a million other things that go wrong with us humans. I'm just saying that I have found some kind of inner peace about what I'm dealing with. I don't like it, I hate it in fact. And, if I were hurting right now...this would certainly have a different and less calming tone...but, at this very moment in time, in my heavy lidded grayness, I'm ok with being here, and glad my husband's arms will be around me as soon as I hit "publish post".