Well, the title of my blog is certainly true for me for the last three days. Mid-life scariness is not only the title of this blog, it's also the multi-word description of my experiences starting on Wednesday with my Mom's surgery.
This isn't going to be a sad sack read, just a quick run through of the facts with a funny spin put on it... so, pull up your big boy and big girl britches and hang on for the ride!
First, a brief explanation of Mom's surgery. Two years ago, she had a Cholycystectomy (removal of gallbladder) but after that surgery, she was still having lots of pain, indigestion and nausea. Long story short, they left the CBD (Common Bile Duct) untouched instead of cleaning it out and removing any stuck gallstones. After much pain and bullshit for my 83 year old mother, she had the CBD cleaned out on Wednesday and a stint placed in it for the next 4 weeks, only to go back in and have it removed on July 18th. Now, this is what a tough, old bird my incredible mom is...that CBD is supposed to be 4 mm wide...HERS was 16 mm wide and the gallstones were the size of quarters and half dollars...I saw the pictures...NO WONDER she's been in soooo much pain. They looked like little watermelons. Seriously. Should never have happened to her. EVER. Anyhoo, I went home to stay with her. It went well, she's doing VERY well. I'm glad for her now, but I wish for every single time she was in pain or sick since that first surgery, that her surgeon who did the first surgery would have something scary happen to him...like... when he goes to take a piss, it's the color of one of Lady Ga Ga's wigs, then when he drives up to the ATM in his Porsche, he can't get his money because someone who is smarter than I am, stole his identity and emptied his accounts and left him with 25 bucks...then when he drives home to try and figure out what was happening to him, he steps in a big pile of dog shit, slips and falls in it and the neighbor's REALLY BIG dog who had shit in his yard to begin with, runs over to him and starts humping him while biting the shit out of him. That's a lot of "shits" in the last section....but it was necessary for the story. Yes, I have an active imagination. :)
Okay, so first scary incident...the surgeon told us that Mom's surgery would be about 30 to 35 minutes, well, and hour and 45 minutes later, (yes, we were all nervous) the nurse comes out and says "Mrs. Sullivan's family"...we all nodded and sat up, "Come with me, now, please." So, my middle brother, my older sister and I got up while sharing a glance that said "WTF???" We get in there, and Mom is WIDE AWAKE, talking to us like nothing had ever even taken place! I said..."Mom???" and at that time the nurse said " I wanted to get you guys back here before the doctor left...he's on his way out of the building and I wanted him to talk to you while he was telling Mrs. Sullivan about the surgery. She's doing very, very well!" WHEEEEWWWWWW....Thanks for scaring the shit out of us and don't pay any attention if I trip you while you're walking briskly through here. Just sayin'... Mom was awake through the entire thing. They didn't tell us- or HER about that part of it. But she said it was fine...they had enough drugs in her that she didn't feel anything and wasn't freaked out by the tube down her throat. Like I said, she's TOUGH! She'll be 84 on Aug. 8th....awesome!
So, Thursday-late afternoon, I'm sitting with Mom in the living room talking with her and thinking to myself how relieved I am that she is doing so well, and actually felt like sitting up with me instead of laying in bed. As we were shootin' the breeze, my cell phone rang. It was a 417 area code but not a number I recognized, so I figured it was one of John's students who didn't have his cell number, which happens all of the time. So, I answered it.
Scary incident number two: I answered the phone and it was my gynecologist, or "hootie doctor" as the women in my family refer to them. I was surprised, because I have his number programmed in my phone, and when it rang, it certainly was not his number. "Mrs. Devos, I've been trying to get in touch with you. I really don't like telling this kind of thing over the phone, I'm really sorry, but the results from your biopsy show that you have endometriosis and cancer, but it's not Ovarian cancer, which is good. If it was Ovarian cancer, many times that is caught too late, but yours is not Ovarian. We will need to do a full hysterectomy and hopefully, we've caught it in time and it hasn't already begun to spread."
(my ears are getting hot, my heart is pounding, I'm going to puke....if I didn't know better, I'd think I was having a good drunk, but....I'm sitting here with Mom, and I don't have a cocktail in my hand....and I'm NOT HAPPY. What did he just say???????? WHAT DID HE JUST SAY??????????)
All I could muster up the courage to say was a timid, quiet... (yes, I was actually quiet you smart asses :) "okay????" And he continued..."we will need to do a full hysterectomy within the next couple of weeks. I've already set you up with the Oncology department with Dr. So and So, he's one of the best there is and specializes in gynecological cancers." (WHAT DID HE JUST FUCKING SAY TO ME?? MOM is right here.....what am I going to do.....I can't let her know, oh wait....there are tears rolling down my cheeks and she can read my mind anyway....she already knows. HOLY SHIT.....why did I answer this in front of her, I mean, of course I'd tell her when I could be calm about it, but not this way, she doesn't deserve this...AND she just had surgery herself, yesterday. What a fucking nightmare. Somebody, please wake me up....this can't be happening like this....John is not here...JOHN....HOW AM I GOING TO TELL JOHN????? Oh no, I don't know what Dr. L has just said for the last few seconds or minutes...has it been hours???...STOP THINKING SOOOO LOUDLY and ask him to repeat it....Carolinn!!! Wake up and ask him to repeat what he has been saying to you!!!!!!!) "Dr. L, Ummmmm, I'm not sure I heard the last part of what you just said, I'm in shock...this is the last thing I expected... and if you could just tell me again....I don't have Ovarian, right?" "No, you don't have Ovarian." (My mom physically cringed and looked down at her hands that were folded in her lap) "I'm sooo sorry to do this over the phone. We will need to do a catscan and bloodwork and then Dr. C will tell you what is going to have to be done to get this taken care of." (I pulled myself together enough to ask...) "Okay, can you tell me what the surgeon's name is again and what I am supposed to do?" (Besides vomit, pass out and shit myself:)
Now, I have to say to those of you who know me, that even though I'm loud, pretty mentally tough and generally take the bull by the horns, in that instant of my timeline of life, I was looking for a little, blue x to scroll over to show an "edit or delete" button in the air around me...alas, if it was there, it was invisible to me. The next few minutes of that event are a blurred, quick, chain of events that seemed to take hours to play out. All I can really remember is that horrified look on my sweet mom's face and the sound of her voice saying "This is not supposed to happen to you, I wish it was me instead." It was useless to try and pretend like I was brave. I wasn't brave. I was horrified. I was horrified by the fact that I was the one with C. I was horrified by the fact that Mom found out that way, I was horrified that I was going to have to tell my husband, who lost his mother 4 years ago to C and his father just a few weeks ago to something else...that I, his wife, his best friend- was in trouble. Then, there are my sisters, brothers, sisters-in-law, brothers-in-law, nieces, nephews and my friends. The air had been sucked out of me. And the thing that had sucked it out was the C word. The C word that had killed my Dad twenty years ago, and my mother-in-law almost four years ago. I'm scared, confused and a little pissed off. I guess the R.A. and losing my career -only 18 years into it- wasn't enough...oh hell no....let's REALLY test this midlife broad and see if she can make jokes about this little string of terrible events.
Well, guess what....this is the ultimate F.U. to the disease world. I always used to say during Aunt Flo's monthly visit that I wanted to rip my ovaries out and make them into earrings....NOW, I really have the chance to do that!! The fact is, it's in me, yes-it's horrible, yes-I'm freaking scared out of my wits that it has spread, yes-I've sobbed on and off for the last three days, yes-I don't want to die...but, I'm a lot more calm about it all now, three days later. I've done lots of research as has everyone else in my family now, and even if I'm in stage 3 or 4, the prognosis is still pretty good. Here's something funny....I still am not sure exactly what type of cancer it is....uterine, cervical-hell, it could be crazy bitch cancer and I wouldn't know because I was too dumbfounded to ask- maybe...actually, I'm sure he told me, I just don't remember because I had a massive brain fart at that very moment. And a justified one, too!
So, here's the time table as I now know it. Monday morning I will have a catscan and bloodwork done. Wednesday afternoon I will meet with my oncologist/surgeon so he can tell me all the good news and schedule the surgery after which we will commence with the jewelry making session. All I have to say is....I hope my surgeon is HOT. I mean really, if I have to be going through all of this crap....at least give me some eye candy to look at for the few times I'll be seeing him! There's got to be SOME pleasantness in all of this horror!
I'm taking suggestions on earring styles for my ovaries. Feel free to submit sketches. The winner will receive an all-inclusive, paid trip to nowhere!
One of my biggest concerns is, I have to go off of my RA meds to have all of this done, which means I will more than likely be crippled and in LOTS of pain again for a few weeks until I've healed and I can start back on my meds. I will be relying on family and friends a lot, and I'm soooo very thankful that I have them. All funniness aside, I know this is very serious and I know all of the possible outcomes. It's okay...I'll fight it no matter what. We'll deal with it as it comes.
After this is all over....I'm throwing a big-ass party, like the ones I used to have all of the time. Who knows, maybe the cops will even show up. Not a party til the cops show up to tell you to keep it down. Maybe I'll rent a hall somewhere and we can all meet, dance, sing, go do fun things, stay in hotels, and make a weekend of it! You old party goers know who you are!!! :)
This is to all of my clean mouthed friends-sorry about all the cussing in this post, but you know me...and you know what I'm capable of...my dad REALLY was a sailor, you know. Navy.
Okay. So, there it is. I'm now ready to curl up with John on the couch and watch a movie on Netflix, eat some popcorn, drink some unsweet tea and enjoy the rest of this weekend! I suggest the rest of you do the same!! -only with your spouses or significant others, not John. :) Love and Hugs to you all, and thanks in advance for the well wishes as we jump in with both feet into this next Midlife Scariness. :)
Carolinn
P.S. John found this recording of Chuck Mangione and Esther Satterfield performing "Land of Make Believe". I didn't even realize there were lyrics to this incredible piece of music. Then, I listened and read the lyrics. It pretty much describes how I'm feeling right now. The first verse.......well, you'll understand.
This isn't going to be a sad sack read, just a quick run through of the facts with a funny spin put on it... so, pull up your big boy and big girl britches and hang on for the ride!
First, a brief explanation of Mom's surgery. Two years ago, she had a Cholycystectomy (removal of gallbladder) but after that surgery, she was still having lots of pain, indigestion and nausea. Long story short, they left the CBD (Common Bile Duct) untouched instead of cleaning it out and removing any stuck gallstones. After much pain and bullshit for my 83 year old mother, she had the CBD cleaned out on Wednesday and a stint placed in it for the next 4 weeks, only to go back in and have it removed on July 18th. Now, this is what a tough, old bird my incredible mom is...that CBD is supposed to be 4 mm wide...HERS was 16 mm wide and the gallstones were the size of quarters and half dollars...I saw the pictures...NO WONDER she's been in soooo much pain. They looked like little watermelons. Seriously. Should never have happened to her. EVER. Anyhoo, I went home to stay with her. It went well, she's doing VERY well. I'm glad for her now, but I wish for every single time she was in pain or sick since that first surgery, that her surgeon who did the first surgery would have something scary happen to him...like... when he goes to take a piss, it's the color of one of Lady Ga Ga's wigs, then when he drives up to the ATM in his Porsche, he can't get his money because someone who is smarter than I am, stole his identity and emptied his accounts and left him with 25 bucks...then when he drives home to try and figure out what was happening to him, he steps in a big pile of dog shit, slips and falls in it and the neighbor's REALLY BIG dog who had shit in his yard to begin with, runs over to him and starts humping him while biting the shit out of him. That's a lot of "shits" in the last section....but it was necessary for the story. Yes, I have an active imagination. :)
Okay, so first scary incident...the surgeon told us that Mom's surgery would be about 30 to 35 minutes, well, and hour and 45 minutes later, (yes, we were all nervous) the nurse comes out and says "Mrs. Sullivan's family"...we all nodded and sat up, "Come with me, now, please." So, my middle brother, my older sister and I got up while sharing a glance that said "WTF???" We get in there, and Mom is WIDE AWAKE, talking to us like nothing had ever even taken place! I said..."Mom???" and at that time the nurse said " I wanted to get you guys back here before the doctor left...he's on his way out of the building and I wanted him to talk to you while he was telling Mrs. Sullivan about the surgery. She's doing very, very well!" WHEEEEWWWWWW....Thanks for scaring the shit out of us and don't pay any attention if I trip you while you're walking briskly through here. Just sayin'... Mom was awake through the entire thing. They didn't tell us- or HER about that part of it. But she said it was fine...they had enough drugs in her that she didn't feel anything and wasn't freaked out by the tube down her throat. Like I said, she's TOUGH! She'll be 84 on Aug. 8th....awesome!
So, Thursday-late afternoon, I'm sitting with Mom in the living room talking with her and thinking to myself how relieved I am that she is doing so well, and actually felt like sitting up with me instead of laying in bed. As we were shootin' the breeze, my cell phone rang. It was a 417 area code but not a number I recognized, so I figured it was one of John's students who didn't have his cell number, which happens all of the time. So, I answered it.
Scary incident number two: I answered the phone and it was my gynecologist, or "hootie doctor" as the women in my family refer to them. I was surprised, because I have his number programmed in my phone, and when it rang, it certainly was not his number. "Mrs. Devos, I've been trying to get in touch with you. I really don't like telling this kind of thing over the phone, I'm really sorry, but the results from your biopsy show that you have endometriosis and cancer, but it's not Ovarian cancer, which is good. If it was Ovarian cancer, many times that is caught too late, but yours is not Ovarian. We will need to do a full hysterectomy and hopefully, we've caught it in time and it hasn't already begun to spread."
(my ears are getting hot, my heart is pounding, I'm going to puke....if I didn't know better, I'd think I was having a good drunk, but....I'm sitting here with Mom, and I don't have a cocktail in my hand....and I'm NOT HAPPY. What did he just say???????? WHAT DID HE JUST SAY??????????)
All I could muster up the courage to say was a timid, quiet... (yes, I was actually quiet you smart asses :) "okay????" And he continued..."we will need to do a full hysterectomy within the next couple of weeks. I've already set you up with the Oncology department with Dr. So and So, he's one of the best there is and specializes in gynecological cancers." (WHAT DID HE JUST FUCKING SAY TO ME?? MOM is right here.....what am I going to do.....I can't let her know, oh wait....there are tears rolling down my cheeks and she can read my mind anyway....she already knows. HOLY SHIT.....why did I answer this in front of her, I mean, of course I'd tell her when I could be calm about it, but not this way, she doesn't deserve this...AND she just had surgery herself, yesterday. What a fucking nightmare. Somebody, please wake me up....this can't be happening like this....John is not here...JOHN....HOW AM I GOING TO TELL JOHN????? Oh no, I don't know what Dr. L has just said for the last few seconds or minutes...has it been hours???...STOP THINKING SOOOO LOUDLY and ask him to repeat it....Carolinn!!! Wake up and ask him to repeat what he has been saying to you!!!!!!!) "Dr. L, Ummmmm, I'm not sure I heard the last part of what you just said, I'm in shock...this is the last thing I expected... and if you could just tell me again....I don't have Ovarian, right?" "No, you don't have Ovarian." (My mom physically cringed and looked down at her hands that were folded in her lap) "I'm sooo sorry to do this over the phone. We will need to do a catscan and bloodwork and then Dr. C will tell you what is going to have to be done to get this taken care of." (I pulled myself together enough to ask...) "Okay, can you tell me what the surgeon's name is again and what I am supposed to do?" (Besides vomit, pass out and shit myself:)
Now, I have to say to those of you who know me, that even though I'm loud, pretty mentally tough and generally take the bull by the horns, in that instant of my timeline of life, I was looking for a little, blue x to scroll over to show an "edit or delete" button in the air around me...alas, if it was there, it was invisible to me. The next few minutes of that event are a blurred, quick, chain of events that seemed to take hours to play out. All I can really remember is that horrified look on my sweet mom's face and the sound of her voice saying "This is not supposed to happen to you, I wish it was me instead." It was useless to try and pretend like I was brave. I wasn't brave. I was horrified. I was horrified by the fact that I was the one with C. I was horrified by the fact that Mom found out that way, I was horrified that I was going to have to tell my husband, who lost his mother 4 years ago to C and his father just a few weeks ago to something else...that I, his wife, his best friend- was in trouble. Then, there are my sisters, brothers, sisters-in-law, brothers-in-law, nieces, nephews and my friends. The air had been sucked out of me. And the thing that had sucked it out was the C word. The C word that had killed my Dad twenty years ago, and my mother-in-law almost four years ago. I'm scared, confused and a little pissed off. I guess the R.A. and losing my career -only 18 years into it- wasn't enough...oh hell no....let's REALLY test this midlife broad and see if she can make jokes about this little string of terrible events.
Well, guess what....this is the ultimate F.U. to the disease world. I always used to say during Aunt Flo's monthly visit that I wanted to rip my ovaries out and make them into earrings....NOW, I really have the chance to do that!! The fact is, it's in me, yes-it's horrible, yes-I'm freaking scared out of my wits that it has spread, yes-I've sobbed on and off for the last three days, yes-I don't want to die...but, I'm a lot more calm about it all now, three days later. I've done lots of research as has everyone else in my family now, and even if I'm in stage 3 or 4, the prognosis is still pretty good. Here's something funny....I still am not sure exactly what type of cancer it is....uterine, cervical-hell, it could be crazy bitch cancer and I wouldn't know because I was too dumbfounded to ask- maybe...actually, I'm sure he told me, I just don't remember because I had a massive brain fart at that very moment. And a justified one, too!
So, here's the time table as I now know it. Monday morning I will have a catscan and bloodwork done. Wednesday afternoon I will meet with my oncologist/surgeon so he can tell me all the good news and schedule the surgery after which we will commence with the jewelry making session. All I have to say is....I hope my surgeon is HOT. I mean really, if I have to be going through all of this crap....at least give me some eye candy to look at for the few times I'll be seeing him! There's got to be SOME pleasantness in all of this horror!
Some other good things...I will save A LOT of money on feminine hygiene products, we'll get to use the Aflac cancer policy we've been paying on, AND, OH... YES....I'm sure I'll lose more weight once they get all of these disease ridden, useless parts out of me! Just trying to find the silver lining, people....work with me, here.
I'm taking suggestions on earring styles for my ovaries. Feel free to submit sketches. The winner will receive an all-inclusive, paid trip to nowhere!
One of my biggest concerns is, I have to go off of my RA meds to have all of this done, which means I will more than likely be crippled and in LOTS of pain again for a few weeks until I've healed and I can start back on my meds. I will be relying on family and friends a lot, and I'm soooo very thankful that I have them. All funniness aside, I know this is very serious and I know all of the possible outcomes. It's okay...I'll fight it no matter what. We'll deal with it as it comes.
After this is all over....I'm throwing a big-ass party, like the ones I used to have all of the time. Who knows, maybe the cops will even show up. Not a party til the cops show up to tell you to keep it down. Maybe I'll rent a hall somewhere and we can all meet, dance, sing, go do fun things, stay in hotels, and make a weekend of it! You old party goers know who you are!!! :)
This is to all of my clean mouthed friends-sorry about all the cussing in this post, but you know me...and you know what I'm capable of...my dad REALLY was a sailor, you know. Navy.
Okay. So, there it is. I'm now ready to curl up with John on the couch and watch a movie on Netflix, eat some popcorn, drink some unsweet tea and enjoy the rest of this weekend! I suggest the rest of you do the same!! -only with your spouses or significant others, not John. :) Love and Hugs to you all, and thanks in advance for the well wishes as we jump in with both feet into this next Midlife Scariness. :)
Carolinn
P.S. John found this recording of Chuck Mangione and Esther Satterfield performing "Land of Make Believe". I didn't even realize there were lyrics to this incredible piece of music. Then, I listened and read the lyrics. It pretty much describes how I'm feeling right now. The first verse.......well, you'll understand.
Carolinn,
ReplyDeleteI know this diagnosis must scare the crap out of you, but if there's one thing I know about you it's that there's amazing strength inside you and that you will not let this hold you back. You're going to have a ton of friends standing with you, so rest assured that we've got your back and will be holding your hand. All sorts of love to you and John!
MUCH love,
Aron
You never cease to amaze me, Ms Carolinn. You have always been someone to look up to. How you manage to make this all sound hilarious--amazing. Of course, take care of yourself. Take care of Mr. D. Tell him to take care of you.
ReplyDeleteWell Crap! I'm praying for you, your whole family and the hot surgeon. I will also help cater the victory party! Love you.
DeleteThinking about you, feeling for you, praying for you. A
ReplyDeletefriend once told me, God only gives you what you can handle.
With that being said, I know you're wishing He'd give you a little
less. Please keep us posted and continue to smile that beautiful
smile that lights up the world. Love you friend. Theresa Romer
Carolinn:
ReplyDeleteMuch luck and love as you embark on this journey. Our prayers are with you and John. Take care and may the Lord be with you!
You have been through more than your fair share, Carolinn, and you've handled it all with grace and tenacity and humor. I know you'll do the same with this sucker punch, but I think it's about time you and John caught a break!
ReplyDeleteYou know I am rooting for you with all my heart. You are one tough dame, and it clearly runs in your veins! Keep us posted, keep venting, keep doing whatever you need to do to feel some peace.
Much love,
Kathryn
Oh my. If I didn't have summer course coming right up, I swear, I'd jump on a plane and come out there to take care of you. Dear girl, what next??
ReplyDeleteMy prayers and love are with you in this difficult time - sending Reiki your way. I hope the surgery is quick and relatively painless, just like your mom's. And oh - what could be worse? Your surgeon could be a woman! (LOL)
Love you - Robbin
HAHAHA!! Actually, my surgeon's name is Jay, and my gynocologist said "he's one of the best around!" So...I'm pretty sure he's a guy! :) Thanks for your sweet wishes, lovely Robbin! Love you.
DeleteMrs. D, you are one of the strongest women i know. I know everything is going to work out and you are going to be ok. I love you! You are my second mother!
ReplyDelete