One of those...Years.

Since this is my first Blog, I thought it would be appropriate to lay myself out there and really be honest. And, honestly, I'm scared and confused...about a lot of things! My entire life has been about music...teaching it, performing it, judging it...and now...it's not. After 17 years of public school music education, I've had to stop working to take better care of myself and to get control of a disease that tries to rob me of everything I've always taken for granted. You know, the good things in life like, oh I don't know, walking. Yeah, walking...walking up and down a hill or up and down stairs, or even just walking through a grocery store or a mall. Or taking a nature walk with my husband. Right now, my life revolves around where I walk, how far is it and can I make it or not.

In 2002-2003, my life drastically changed. I was teaching jr. high and high school choir and assisting with high school band in Texas. I LOVED my job, my kiddos, and my co-workers. Things were going very well for my husband and myself. Then, one morning, I  woke up and couldn't walk. There had been previous symptoms during the few months prior to this particular morning, but I didn't connect the dots, AND neither did any of my doctors. My chiropractor, my primary care physician, the orthopedic surgeon and the rheumatologist were all perplexed. Well, they wouldn't have been had someone actually DONE THE BLOODWORK. This went on for 1 and a half years, which allowed the disease to progress rapidly. After MANY months of pain, tears, frustration and a wonderful husband who stayed by my side through some really awful, humiliating stuff, we found out that I had Rheumatoid Arthritis. Me...a healthy, happy, strong, independent 35 year old. My world changed, and fast. No time to prepare, no time to cope or deal. You just wake up and try to get through the next hour. That is if you slept at all.

This paragraph is for those of you who suffer in moderate to severe pain on a daily basis. Let's all close our eyes and pretend like we are holding in our hands a huge baseball bat...however, it isn't heavy in our aching hands and arms...but it still carries an incredible blow! Now picture that pain is this big, black blob of crap that moves slowly...now take your big bat and beat the living hell out of it. Keep hitting until you beat it into submission! If only it were that easy, huh? I hate being in pain. Stupid statement, I know. Everyone does. But, it's more then just the physical pain...it takes it's toll emotionally too. My brain is tired of being positive and thinking it will be better. I just want it TO BE BETTER AUTOMATICALLY! 

Back to my original thoughts about being scared and confused...I'm 43 years old. Thanks to my wonderful husband who is working his ass off so that I don't have to right now, I'm able to take some control back and do healthier things for both of us. However, I can't stop thinking about what happens at the end of this school year, or the next one. I really don't think that I can go back to teaching and live a healthy life. Being a music teacher means many after school practices, late nights, and weekends. Not just during "a season" like basketball or football, but all year long. Our season never stops, the music just changes. I loved it while I was doing it, but the last two years just about did me in. I could not keep up physically, which affected my mental ability which did not allow me to be the incredible teacher I'd always worked so hard to be for the music kiddos throughout the years. That's not being conceited. I worked my ass off to make a difference in my student's lives. I'm proud of that and I'm not about to mince words about it now. 

So, now comes the part where I ask myself, "What now?" And, since I don't have the answer to that yet,  I'm asking friends, readers and whoever sees this, to chime in if you so choose. If not, I hope you didn't waste your time. By the way, I really wanted to call this Blog "Everything's Relative" but it was already taken. But, it really is ...all relative. Many of you out there who are a lot worse off then I am are reading this and saying  "suck it up." or "get a grip." and I'm saying...I'm trying.