I opened my eyes. I knew as soon as I tried to lift the sheet and comforter off of me that my body had decided during the night to rebel against itself. I cried out in pain, waking John yet again. I tried to sit up and swing my legs over the side of the bed only to cry out once more. My left knee was locked in a Rheumatoid Arthritis grip...along with my toes on my left foot, and both hands and wrists. I sat on the edge of the bed and sobbed trying to relax and catch my breath and ease the sharp, stabbing pain that was now my body, my existence. The six inch wound in my abdomen with an activac in it didn't even matter at this point. It was the least of my worries.
My first thought, after being able to breathe again is that it will take me about 20 minutes to stand, then take the first step, second step and so on to get to the bathroom, that is if I can actually stand in the first place. Not being able to put any weight on my hands or wrists to push myself off of the bed was going to be a problem since my knee was locked. I would normally use my walker to help steady myself, but that won't do any good now, I have to be able to use my hands to manipulate the walker. My second thought...I have to piss NOW! Not 20 minutes from now. I somehow got myself up, leaned on my forearms on my walker to steady myself while I tested the knee out, and then took extremely small steps while the tears of agony ran down my cheeks. I managed to lean on my forearm again on the edge of the vanity and lower myself to the toilet. I can't believe I didn't wet myself...getting out of bed and taking a leak shouldn't be this hard. John tried to help me, but there was really nothing he could do. So, as my sweetheart always does, he stood there watching me cry through the pain and asking me..."Honey...what can I do?" The answer so much of the time is "nothing". When I'm sitting on the edge of the bed trying to breathe normally and he puts his arms around me, kisses the top of my head, rubs my back and makes jokes to alleviate some of the horror, my world becomes more tolerable. His arms have magic in them and when they envelop me, my heartbeat slows, my pain subsides ever so slightly and his love for me fills my heart.
My heart hurts just knowing how badly he hates seeing me like this. My cries, sobs and pain go right to the center of his aching heart and land there making him worry and fret. And yet, he still jokes with me and manages to make ME feel better. But how do I make him feel better? How do I give the man I love, the man who supports me in every sense of the word, what he needs to survive our unplanned, unwanted destiny that our married life has turned out to be? We both took our marriage vows seriously and we always say to each other as a little reminder..." for better for worse, in sickness and in health, til death do us part." The love that I feel for John is and has always been a true, constant and admiring love. Of course, we have had our share of disagreements and shouting matches during our 17 years of marriage, like any two strong-willed, opinionated people who choose to marry will, however, I can't imagine I would like it any other way. John's heart is huge and he gives of it freely to anyone who needs him. I have been the benefactor of that huge heart for 20 plus years now, and I am so very thankful that he is my husband, my love, my jester, my intellectual stimulator, my best friend. He gives me hope when I've lost it and love when I need it. He carries the burden of taking care of me- physically, financially and emotionally on a daily basis even though this is NOT what either of us signed up for all of those years ago. For better for worse, in sickness and in health, til death do us part. Words to live by. Truly.
Sweetheart, I want to thank you publicly. This summer has been awful for you and I'm so sorry that my shitty health has been the cause of your pain. However, we are both strong and we have each other and soon, very soon...I will be healthy enough that we can get back to what our normal has become! If we focus on the fact that I'm cancer free now, and don't have to do any chemo/radiation, and that I'm healing extremely well, and that I'm back on the RA meds which should really kick in soon, we'll be okay. Please take care of yourself...we can get through anything together...anything. I've never loved you more, nor could I. CshickaCshicka. :)
My first thought, after being able to breathe again is that it will take me about 20 minutes to stand, then take the first step, second step and so on to get to the bathroom, that is if I can actually stand in the first place. Not being able to put any weight on my hands or wrists to push myself off of the bed was going to be a problem since my knee was locked. I would normally use my walker to help steady myself, but that won't do any good now, I have to be able to use my hands to manipulate the walker. My second thought...I have to piss NOW! Not 20 minutes from now. I somehow got myself up, leaned on my forearms on my walker to steady myself while I tested the knee out, and then took extremely small steps while the tears of agony ran down my cheeks. I managed to lean on my forearm again on the edge of the vanity and lower myself to the toilet. I can't believe I didn't wet myself...getting out of bed and taking a leak shouldn't be this hard. John tried to help me, but there was really nothing he could do. So, as my sweetheart always does, he stood there watching me cry through the pain and asking me..."Honey...what can I do?" The answer so much of the time is "nothing". When I'm sitting on the edge of the bed trying to breathe normally and he puts his arms around me, kisses the top of my head, rubs my back and makes jokes to alleviate some of the horror, my world becomes more tolerable. His arms have magic in them and when they envelop me, my heartbeat slows, my pain subsides ever so slightly and his love for me fills my heart.
My heart hurts just knowing how badly he hates seeing me like this. My cries, sobs and pain go right to the center of his aching heart and land there making him worry and fret. And yet, he still jokes with me and manages to make ME feel better. But how do I make him feel better? How do I give the man I love, the man who supports me in every sense of the word, what he needs to survive our unplanned, unwanted destiny that our married life has turned out to be? We both took our marriage vows seriously and we always say to each other as a little reminder..." for better for worse, in sickness and in health, til death do us part." The love that I feel for John is and has always been a true, constant and admiring love. Of course, we have had our share of disagreements and shouting matches during our 17 years of marriage, like any two strong-willed, opinionated people who choose to marry will, however, I can't imagine I would like it any other way. John's heart is huge and he gives of it freely to anyone who needs him. I have been the benefactor of that huge heart for 20 plus years now, and I am so very thankful that he is my husband, my love, my jester, my intellectual stimulator, my best friend. He gives me hope when I've lost it and love when I need it. He carries the burden of taking care of me- physically, financially and emotionally on a daily basis even though this is NOT what either of us signed up for all of those years ago. For better for worse, in sickness and in health, til death do us part. Words to live by. Truly.
Sweetheart, I want to thank you publicly. This summer has been awful for you and I'm so sorry that my shitty health has been the cause of your pain. However, we are both strong and we have each other and soon, very soon...I will be healthy enough that we can get back to what our normal has become! If we focus on the fact that I'm cancer free now, and don't have to do any chemo/radiation, and that I'm healing extremely well, and that I'm back on the RA meds which should really kick in soon, we'll be okay. Please take care of yourself...we can get through anything together...anything. I've never loved you more, nor could I. CshickaCshicka. :)
Awed by your courage in sharing your struggles, in helping to educate all of us about your situation and inspired by you and Jon.
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