I sometimes wonder how in the hell we live through all of the bullshit that life throws at us. I am so very thankful for so many things and now that I have time to reflect on my life, I'm still uncertain about...well, many things, actually. What is my purpose? I know, it sounds so cliche, but I really do find myself searching...constantly looking for the big thing that I'm supposed to do to make a difference in this life; this world. I know so many wonderful people that seem to have it all figured out and I can't help but wonder...when they lay their heads on their pillows at night, does it go through their minds..."Am I doing what I'm supposed to be doing? Is this it? Am I happy, fulfilled...do I make others happy and fulfilled?" The following are words I try to avoid in my personal vocabulary use.
Content
Settle
Finished
Done
Those words make me a little uncomfortable. I think that those first two are basically saying "Well, I'm not really happy, but I'm okay with what I'm doing, what I have, etc."
The second two words are not words that always have a negative connotation....like to say "I finished doing the dishes, laundry, etc." or "I'm done with the taxes." Those are good things! But, I guess because I'm not teaching this year and the RA has absolutely changed everything about our lives, I see "finished" or "done" as the ending of good things that I DID have in my life.
I know that there's always a way to make things better, somehow, someway, things can get better for almost anyone who has the brain power to do it, but I guess today, for me, I'm feeling a little bit like a victim instead of the pro-active no nonsense person I like to think I normally am. I KNOW I'm feeling this way because I have a lot more pain and stiffness today...the cold front and rain that came through last night are playing havoc on my joints...but I have to say, even when I'm not hurting, I'm still thinking and wondering..."what am I supposed to do??????"
I don't want any responses to this blog post. I just needed to wrap my mind around what is ahead for me and putting my thoughts down helps me work through the physical pain and the mental uncertainty. Thank you for reading, though. :)
Content
Settle
Finished
Done
Those words make me a little uncomfortable. I think that those first two are basically saying "Well, I'm not really happy, but I'm okay with what I'm doing, what I have, etc."
The second two words are not words that always have a negative connotation....like to say "I finished doing the dishes, laundry, etc." or "I'm done with the taxes." Those are good things! But, I guess because I'm not teaching this year and the RA has absolutely changed everything about our lives, I see "finished" or "done" as the ending of good things that I DID have in my life.
I know that there's always a way to make things better, somehow, someway, things can get better for almost anyone who has the brain power to do it, but I guess today, for me, I'm feeling a little bit like a victim instead of the pro-active no nonsense person I like to think I normally am. I KNOW I'm feeling this way because I have a lot more pain and stiffness today...the cold front and rain that came through last night are playing havoc on my joints...but I have to say, even when I'm not hurting, I'm still thinking and wondering..."what am I supposed to do??????"
I don't want any responses to this blog post. I just needed to wrap my mind around what is ahead for me and putting my thoughts down helps me work through the physical pain and the mental uncertainty. Thank you for reading, though. :)
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