Well, shit.

Today I went to my post op appointment. The staples came out of my incision, I was told that I DO NOT HAVE TO DO ANY CHEMO OR RADIATION TREATMENTS, and all is on the mend. So, when the exam was over, the staples were gone and the steri strips all in place where the staples had been, and I was very excited to be going home!


As I leaned forward with the nurse's help to pull up my capris, I laid my hand on my abdomen for support as I was getting ready to stand...just out of habit. Then, I felt warmth all over my hand only to raise it and see that it was covered in dark brown liquid. Then, it happened. The nurse said, lay back down, I'll get help...as she said that, massive amounts of blood gushed from my wound and covered the exam table and the floor. I've never seen so much blood. It was disgusting, but even more than that, it was terrifying. I was getting ready to LEAVE when this happened. They had to use four blankets and a bunch of towels to get the floor to the point that they could walk around me to help me. Unbelievable. It was a huge wound hemotoma. He had to open about six more inches of my incision to clean out the rest of the blood clot. That was a lot of fun. Loved it. So now, I have to have a vacu pac which is a battery operated thing that sucks the tissues together and helps to heal the wound faster. I will have home health care nurses twice a day to change the packing for the next six to eight weeks. I am sooooooooo very thankful that it happened there and NOT at home. So scary.


I was very disappointed to say the least. I thought everything was going so well. I guess shit happens. John is at a DCI show in Broken Arrow, OK tonight and won't get home til about 4 or 5 in the a.m., Chele is at home with Mom helping her recover from her surgery today...which went well! And Evanne called and said she was on her way over to take care of me! I said absolutely not!! It's not like I'm bed ridden or can't do for myself...it's just another bump in the road...a bump that has really pissed me off....but it will work out in time.


So, that's it for now. I'm over it. Ready to call it a night. Love and hugs to you all, and thanks for your support through all of this bullshit! More later. :)

Post from hospital, Saturday, July 7th.

I'm typing this in gold in honor of the GGH (giant, gold hootie) John was going to take a pic for me of the GGH today, but the office was closed, so soon, people....SOON!

Good news...had a complete hysterectomy yesterday ...also, he took out my appendix and repaired an umbilical hernia. My surgeon was also able to remove ALL of the cancer since it was contained in the uterus. Nice. I've already been up and walking in the hallway, and just a few hours ago, they took me off of the i.v. that was giving me some more pain meds with a pushy button thingy (which was WONDERFUL) and now it's just straight Percocet. YUK. Makes me super woosey and just barely takes the edge off of the pain. But, that's what the anti-nausea medication is for! (Update: now that the Percocet has built up in my system, the pain is under control much better.)

They did NOT have to take any of my lymph nodes!!! YEYYY. He will do a consult with the other oncologist/surgeons next Friday, and then the decision will be made as to whether I will need to undergo chemotherapy or radiation. At this point, I'm just RELIEVED that they were able to get it all and not take my lymph nodes. I'm one lucky girl as far as that goes!! :)

I'm so stinking high right now, I'm surprised I can type! I just wanted to let friends know that I'm okay and on the road to recovery. Painful recovery, but recovery all the same. Once my hootie is healed completely, I will be a new woman!! Should feel a LOT better soon!

Here's a funny hospital story for ya. Today, (Saturday) somehow, I dropped my call button for the nurse's station. I was actually asleep when it happened, and needed to go pee right then! So, I very PAINFULLY pulled myself up out of bed and sat on the edge with my bare back end facing the door, trying not to pass out. Of course, I can't bend over right now, so I flipped the call button over with my foot and pressed it with my big toe. Now, you have to picture my lard ass in a hospital gown and at that time that was it! So, there's a knock at the door and I say "come in" thinking it was the nurse coming in to help me out. NOPE, it was my big brother Mike and my sister in law Cindy! Those two got a lot more than they bargained for on that hospital room entrance! Can you hear the music??? "Blue moon......you left me standing alone....." Sorry, M & C.... :)

Evanne, Drew and Chele spent the night with me Friday night....talk about a hoot. I was trying not to laugh cuz it hurt so badly...but that's impossible to do when you've got that many cut ups in one room! Whether it's a hospital room or not! Evanne and Drew left at about 2:00am and Chele stayed with me until 7a.m. It's wonderful to have family close by and even the ones that aren't close by are here to give moral support and then drive all the way back to Farmington...and those that are still back home in Farmington and in New Mexico are sending their love and positive vibes my way. 

Last night, Saturday...John spent the night with me. He didn't get a bit of rest-much like Chele the night before. I couldn't sleep in the bed last night, had to sleep in the recliner. The hospital bed is the MOST uncomfortable bed I've ever been in. I was miserable until they started giving me Percocet on a regular basis for the pain. I've been up walking and using the potty, so hopefully, I will be able to go home fairly soon. Ahhhhh, to be in our own bed again!! You'd think that the hospitals would try and give comfortable beds for people who are sick or having surgery. If you can't rest, then you can't heal. So...WHY in the hell are the beds and even the chairs SOOOO freakin' uncomfortable in hospital rooms?? Any answers to that one?

I can feel the RA creeping into my joints. My big hope is that I will heal quickly so that I can go back on my injections. I really don't want that pain on top of the pain from surgery. I told my nurse and John last night that I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. Not that I can think of any enemies right now! 

Okay, that's all for now. I want to thank everyone for the cards, flowers, plants and gifts! They are all beautiful and really brighten up this hospital room!! Also, I know that there have been LOTS of people pulling for me, many prayers on behalf as well as good vibrations sent across the miles! My heart is warm, folks! Thank you all!! :)

Til next time, 

Carolinn :)

Thinking about Dad

Over the last few days (since I found out about the endometrial cancer, hysterectomy, etc.) I've been thinking non-stop about lots of things. I've been remembering things that I haven't thought of in years. Some of it is funny....at least to me. So I thought I'd share some of my favorite memories.


One that jumps ahead in my mind is about my dad. Before I tell you the story, I'm going to give you some idea of what kind of a man Dad was! First of all, he was very intelligent, especially when it came to numbers and math. He could do huge calculations in his head. He worked for the St. Louis County Highway and Traffic department for many, many years as a Projects Engineer. He graduated from high school at the age of 16, he skipped ahead a couple of grades. He never attended college, but made sure that the six of us kids had the opportunity to if we wanted to do so. He worked extremely hard, loved to garden, watch and/or listen to the Cardinals play baseball, coffee and fishing. He was a Type I diabetic, he smoked like a chimney (Kool-Menthol Filter King, Prince Albert and Cigars). He was a strong, tough man and even when he was in pain, he didn't ever complain. He rode bikes with us, played basketball with us, would get us popsicles or ice cream when we were sick and always loved us no matter how much we pissed him off! Now, there were a couple of things that would really tick him off...the first one....if someone took his lighter (Jerry, my youngest brother, who is about 15 years older than me, was notoriously the one who got blamed for that!) Or, if one of us was lying. He hated that, and so does Mom. We learned at a very early age that it was MUCH better to fess up and take the punishment. But if we lied, oh boy....that was worse and more of it!


Dad cussed (because he WAS a sailor) and his favorite cuss words to say when he was frustrated or hacked was.."Well, shit, shit, shit." He had two favorite things to call people who made him mad...it was either "Peckerwood", or "Son-of-a-bitch".


Now, Dad was country...no bones about it...the man was country. Okay, so I think this happened when I was in high school...may have been college...it doesn't really matter. Mom, Chele, Evanne and probably some other siblings and I were sitting in the kitchen. I remember we were shucking corn and breaking beans out of the garden. Mom had this little lamp that was mounted to the side of the cabinet over the sink. It had stopped working so she asked Dad to take a look at it to see if he could fix it. So, we're all sitting there, talking, laughing and excited about the fresh green beans and corn on the cob and Dad, in his baseball cap, button down short sleeved shirt, baggy khaki shorts, white socks, tennis shoes and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, starts looking at the lamp and fiddling with it. We were all watching him, and of course the smoke from his cigarette was winding it's way up through the lamp shade. He messes with it for a couple of minutes, and then, in his country twang he said "I cain't figer out why it's a-smokin' !" We all immediately started laughing and saying..."Dad!! The smoke is from your cigarette!!!" He started laughing and said "Oh, well...shit!" He fixed it, we all had a good laugh, and I love that story. 


After Dad had his stroke, and couldn't work anymore, he was always looking for things to do. He had this old '49 Ford Pickup Truck. He decided one day that it needed to be painted, so he bought some dark blue house paint that he liked, and hand painted the truck. No kidding. He painted that entire truck by hand. You could see the brush strokes in it. Michele and I drove that truck...for part of the time when we were in college and while I was student teaching...and I have to say, it ran really well! Never gave us any problems. I loved that truck because my Dad loved it, and I loved him.


I've been thinking a lot about Dad recently. My oldest brother, Bob, who is Dad's namesake, turned 63 on June 30th. My dad passed away at the age of 64 from liver cancer. I now know that my cancer isn't even a 16th as bad as his was by the time they found it, but it still made me think. He was so brave. We found out that he had liver cancer on December 21st, and there was nothing they could do for him. On February 8th, the day before my 25th birthday, he passed away. So about 49 days is all we had with him from the time we found out he had cancer. He was in so much pain, and he NEVER complained or said a cross word. That amazed me, and stuck with me. On my 25th birthday, my middle brother, Mike, and one of my other siblings...maybe Evanne and I went to pick out Dad's casket and meet with the funeral home people. It was my first year teaching, and I was devastated. But, with time, that grief has lessened. It's been 20 years since he passed, and I can still hear his laugh...sounded like Heathcliff when he was tickled. :)


It just occured to me that I may have already written about these two stories in a post from a couple of years ago. But, that's okay, because this blog is about me working through my emotions and dealing with all of this shit that has been thrown at us over the past few years. So, if I've repeated stories, it's okay. And, I'm sure Dad is enjoying it. I'm just assuming that he's right here with me, and patting me on the shoulder saying "It's going to be fine, doll."

Chub and the Giant, Gold Hootie!

For those of you who have ever seen the episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond" where Marie, Raymond's mother, learns how to sculpt, and she makes this sculpture that very much looks like the female anatomy, you'll certainly understand this!


John and I made our way to the "Chub" O'Reiley Cancer Center for my appointment on Wednesday. Yes, his name was CHUB! I know, I know....it's almost too much to take in...but just hang on until you read the rest of this crazy story! We rode up on the elevator, the doors open, we step out and look around to see where we were supposed to be going, and as we turn to our right, all of a sudden there is this giant, 30 foot, gold sculpture of what looks like a woman's hootie, right in front of the doors we're supposed to go into, which is called "Women's Oncology"! John and I both immediatley looked at each other and started laughing. So, John, of course, started his comedy routine. He acted like he dialed a phone, and in his very best "hick" or "coo" voice he spoke into his imaginary phone saying "Uhhhhh yeeuh, this is "Chub" ovurh at duh cancer center, I need that giant pooossay to be about 35 feet tall, and about 15 feet wide, with the clit-tohr-us about 30 feet off of duh ground! Ya'll got that???"


I was laughing so hard I thought I was going to pee myself. However, I was so nervous about the appointment, that I was about to pass out, so, we went inside and tried to become more serious, so as not to disrespect any other patients that were perhaps not so easily entertained. Thank goodness, there was only one gentlemen waiting in there for a family member. 


We discovered later, after I saw that there was a plaque down in the flowers underneath the giant, gold, female genitalia, that it was supposed to be "the eternal flame". I told John, "I do believe that was an unfortunate choice of placement for that particular flame!"


Okay, so...I go to the exam, which was the most THOROUGH exam I've ever had in my 25 years of going to hootie docs. Holy, moly was it thorough... John came in for the consult afterwards. 


Before the exam, when the nurse took my vitals, my blood pressure was high, which it NEVER is, my heart rate was high, which it NEVER is, and I was shaking like a leaf....now let me put this all into perspective for you. I see my rheumatologist every 3 or 4 months, and my primary care physician every 4 months. I have bloodwork done every 2 months for my rheumatologist and bloodwork for my primary care physician every 3 months. So, I'm checked very often for all of these things. The fact was, my terror about what I was going to find out, was causing my body to react and I could not get it under control. My body was betraying me (again) and that's the first time in my life I haven't been able to   breathe, relax and command myself to calm down. It just wasn't happening, and that really bothered me... I'm 45 years old, I've performed in front of people in Carnegie Hall, I've conducted many, many concerts through the years, I've done public speaking to large crowds of people, I have saved the life of one student who was choking on a piece of candy on a school bus, I've had students go into full blown asthma attacks on the marching field and turn blue while I'm trying to get them to take their inhalers (yes, they both happened at the same time and I had both inhalers in my pocket and John was up in the top of the stands across the field) I've had two students who have dropped to the floor from seizures while talking to me, I've seen numerous car wrecks that I've helped out at, and I have never, in any of those situations, ever, not been able to control my physical reaction to stress. First time for everything, I guess! Okay, wait....the two tornadoes John and I have been in....I was panicked then.


Here are the things that I know about my situation, besides the fact that it sucks.


I have endometrial cancer, endometriosis and a large fibroid tumor on the outside of my uterus. I also have an umbilical hernia that I had no idea was present. He will stage the cancer during the surgery. He will try not to take any of my lymph nodes so that I won't get lymphedema (the extreme swelling of extremeties in the absence of lymph nodes.)


The surgery will be abdominal instead of vaginal, because my uterus is enlarged, my hootie is small and those two don't make for a good surgical outcome! He will check to see if my appendix, gallbladder and any other non-vital organs look like they need to be hacked out of me so as to save me ever having to go through this again because of the R.A. (I have to go off of my RA meds so that my body can heal and it will also lessen my chances for infection. The RA meds compromise the immune system, which is already compromised because of the autoimmune disease. At least, that's how this RA patient understands it.) Basically, it's a vicious circle of disease and misfortune! 


I've been off of the Methotrexate injections for almost two weeks now, and Monday it will be two weeks for the Humira injections. I can take my oral meds up until the day before which will be Thursday, July 5th. Here's the kicker...I had a flare up in my left hand on Monday & Tuesday....the pain was so intense that even with three Tramadol in me, over the course of 12 hours, the pain wasn't touched and all the pain killer did was make me sick as a dog. I had to sit up all night because sleeping with pain that bad doesn't happen. So, my rheumatologist started me on a tapering dose of Prednisone which will be finished in 4 days. I won't be able to start back on my injections until 3 to 4 weeks AFTER this surgery. My hand is completely fine now, BUT, right now, this very moment....my left shoulder is starting to give me fits...EVEN on Prednisone. THIS is going to be the worst part of this entire cancer thing....is going off of the RA drugs...I think. I HOPE! At least, with the RA, I KNOW what's coming. I just hate to put my family through it. I can't help myself when I'm in that much pain...if I have to move that particular body part that is flaring, I cry and sometimes scream out in pain...and I've seen the faces of my family members when that happens. I hate it. They hurt for me, and I don't want to put them through that. This whole situation just sucks. My oncologist/surgeon gave me a script that will help, but I try to avoid taking any pain meds unless it is absolutely necessary. Well, guess what....I think the necessity has shown it's ugly face.


I want to go back to the giant, gold hootie. I wonder if the giant, gold hootie-from now on to be known as the GGH, was there BEFORE that became the women's oncology department...or if some dumbass put it in afterward. I mean really.....I know that John and I aren't the only ones who have noticed it....because when we went to the hospital for all of my pre-surgical testing, my nurse completely agreed with us and said that she'd noticed that too! So, it's not just us having dirty minds! Unbelievable. Anyway, I'm glad that the GGH was there, it helped me kind of come back to my pre-cancer self even if it was just for a little bit. I will be eternally grateful for the eternal flame that will eternally be known in this blog as the GGH!


K.P., if you can write a country song for me about the giant, gold hootie that made me laugh....I'd love it!


Okay, everyone....have a great night. Type at ya again soon!:)

Cancer Update 1

Okay, folks.

John and I went to the oncology appointment today. After a quick exam, he met with us and here are the basics of what we know right now:

I have Endometrial Cancer, and he still thinks it's contained in my uterus. The CT scan and his exam leads him to believe that it probably hasn't migrated anywhere else yet! This is great news!! :)

Although he would not commit to any kind of a stage diagnosis yet, he seems to think that we may have a good chance of not having to do much or any radiation or chemo.

Next Friday, July 6th, I will have a complete hysterectomy. I'll probably be in the hospital for about a week afterward. Once the entire surgical team feels that I am out of the woods as far as infection and other similar possible complications, I'll go home and take about 6 weeks to recover.

Those are the basics! John and I are completely wiped out. As you know, it's been a pretty tough week! So this is all I've got tonight! I just wanted to make sure that anybody who follows this blog got the information as quickly as I could possibly get it to you! Thanks for all of your prayers and well wishes!! :) I'm really sorry that I didn't put the energy into the entertainment component that I normally do...I bet I'll be more up to that tomorrow or the next day, so stay tuned!! :) 

By the way, if I forget to tell you about the sculpture outside my oncologist's office, please be sure to remind me! Who would ever have thought anything about cancer could be hilarious...but this story is!!!!!! :) Love to all. Goodnight!

The Ultimate F.U.

Well, the title of my blog is certainly true for me for the last three days. Mid-life scariness is not only the title of this blog, it's also the multi-word description of my experiences starting on Wednesday with my Mom's surgery.


This isn't going to be a sad sack read, just a quick run through of the facts with a funny spin put on it... so, pull up your big boy and big girl britches and hang on for the ride!


First, a brief explanation of Mom's surgery. Two years ago, she had a Cholycystectomy (removal of gallbladder) but after that surgery, she was still having lots of pain, indigestion and nausea. Long story short, they left the CBD (Common Bile Duct) untouched instead of cleaning it out and removing any stuck gallstones. After much pain and bullshit for my 83 year old mother, she had the CBD cleaned out on Wednesday and a stint placed in it for the next 4 weeks, only to go back in and have it removed on July 18th. Now, this is what a tough, old bird my incredible mom is...that CBD is supposed to be 4 mm wide...HERS was 16 mm wide and the gallstones were the size of quarters and half dollars...I saw the pictures...NO WONDER she's been in soooo much pain. They looked like little watermelons. Seriously. Should never have happened to her. EVER. Anyhoo, I went home to stay with her. It went well, she's doing VERY well. I'm glad for her now, but I wish for every single time she was in pain or sick since that first surgery, that her surgeon who did the first surgery would have something scary happen to him...like... when he goes to take a piss, it's the color of one of Lady Ga Ga's wigs, then when he drives up to the ATM in his Porsche, he can't get his money because someone who is smarter than I am, stole his identity and emptied his accounts and left him with 25 bucks...then when he drives home to try and figure out what was happening to him, he steps in a big pile of dog shit, slips and falls in it and the neighbor's REALLY BIG dog who had shit in his yard to begin with, runs over to him and starts humping him while biting the shit out of him. That's a lot of "shits" in the last section....but it was necessary for the story. Yes, I have an active imagination. :)


Okay, so first scary incident...the surgeon told us that Mom's surgery would be about 30 to 35 minutes, well, and hour and 45 minutes later, (yes, we were all nervous) the nurse comes out and says "Mrs. Sullivan's family"...we all nodded and sat up, "Come with me, now, please." So, my middle brother, my older sister and I got up while sharing a glance that said "WTF???" We get in there, and Mom is WIDE AWAKE, talking to us like nothing had ever even taken place! I said..."Mom???" and at that time the nurse said " I wanted to get you guys back here before the doctor left...he's on his way out of the building and I wanted him to talk to you while he was telling Mrs. Sullivan about the surgery. She's doing very, very well!" WHEEEEWWWWWW....Thanks for scaring the shit out of us and don't pay any attention if I trip you while you're walking briskly through here. Just sayin'... Mom was awake through the entire thing. They didn't tell us- or HER about that part of it. But she said it was fine...they had enough drugs in her that she didn't feel anything and wasn't freaked out by the tube down her throat. Like I said, she's TOUGH! She'll be 84 on Aug. 8th....awesome!


So, Thursday-late afternoon, I'm sitting with Mom in the living room talking with her and thinking to myself how relieved I am that she is doing so well, and actually felt like sitting up with me instead of laying in bed. As we were shootin' the breeze, my cell phone rang. It was a 417 area code but not a number I recognized, so I figured it was one of John's students who didn't have his cell number, which happens all of the time. So, I answered it.


Scary incident number two: I answered the phone and it was my gynecologist, or "hootie doctor" as the women in my family refer to them. I was surprised, because I have his number programmed in my phone, and when it rang, it certainly was not his number. "Mrs. Devos, I've been trying to get in touch with you. I really don't like telling this kind of thing over the phone, I'm really sorry, but the results from your biopsy show that you have endometriosis and cancer, but it's not Ovarian cancer, which is good. If it was Ovarian cancer, many times that is caught too late, but yours is not Ovarian. We will need to do a full hysterectomy and hopefully, we've caught it in time and it hasn't already begun to spread."


(my ears are getting hot, my heart is pounding, I'm going to puke....if I didn't know better, I'd think I was having a good drunk, but....I'm sitting here with Mom, and I don't have a cocktail in my hand....and I'm NOT HAPPY. What did he just say???????? WHAT DID HE JUST SAY??????????)


All I could muster up the courage to say was a timid, quiet... (yes, I was actually quiet you smart asses :) "okay????"  And he continued..."we will need to do a full hysterectomy within the next couple of weeks. I've already set you up with the Oncology department with Dr. So and So, he's one of the best there is and specializes in gynecological cancers." (WHAT DID HE JUST FUCKING SAY TO ME?? MOM is right here.....what am I going to do.....I can't let her know, oh wait....there are tears rolling down my cheeks and she can read my mind anyway....she already knows. HOLY SHIT.....why did I answer this in front of her, I mean, of course I'd tell her when I could be calm about it, but not this way, she doesn't deserve this...AND she just had surgery herself, yesterday. What a fucking nightmare. Somebody, please wake me up....this can't be happening like this....John is not here...JOHN....HOW AM I GOING TO TELL JOHN????? Oh no, I don't know what Dr. L has just said for the last few seconds or minutes...has it been hours???...STOP THINKING SOOOO LOUDLY and ask him to repeat it....Carolinn!!! Wake up and ask him to repeat what he has been saying to you!!!!!!!) "Dr. L, Ummmmm, I'm not sure I heard the last part of what you just said, I'm in shock...this is the last thing I expected... and if you could just tell me again....I don't have Ovarian, right?" "No, you don't have Ovarian." (My mom physically cringed and looked down at her hands that were folded in her lap) "I'm sooo sorry to do this over the phone. We will need to do a catscan and bloodwork and then Dr. C will tell you what is going to have to be done to get this taken care of." (I pulled myself together enough to ask...) "Okay, can you tell me what the surgeon's name is again and what I am supposed to do?" (Besides vomit, pass out and shit myself:)


Now, I have to say to those of you who know me, that even though I'm loud, pretty mentally tough and generally take the bull by the horns, in that instant of my timeline of life, I was looking for a little, blue x to scroll over to show an "edit or delete" button in the air around me...alas, if it was there, it was invisible to me. The next few minutes of that event are a blurred, quick, chain of events that seemed to take hours to play out. All I can really remember is that horrified look on my sweet mom's face and the sound of her voice saying "This is not supposed to happen to you, I wish it was me instead." It was useless to try and pretend like I was brave. I wasn't brave. I was horrified. I was horrified by the fact that I was the one with C. I was horrified by the fact that Mom found out that way, I was horrified that I was going to have to tell my husband, who lost his mother 4 years ago to C and his father just a few weeks ago to something else...that I, his wife, his best friend- was in trouble. Then, there are my sisters, brothers, sisters-in-law, brothers-in-law, nieces, nephews and my friends. The air had been sucked out of me. And the thing that had sucked it out was the C word. The C word that had killed my Dad twenty years ago, and my mother-in-law almost four years ago. I'm scared, confused and a little pissed off. I guess the R.A. and losing my career -only 18 years into it- wasn't enough...oh hell no....let's REALLY test this midlife broad and see if she can make jokes about this little string of terrible events.


Well, guess what....this is the ultimate F.U. to the disease world. I always used to say during Aunt Flo's monthly visit that I wanted to rip my ovaries out and make them into earrings....NOW, I really have the chance to do that!! The fact is, it's in me, yes-it's horrible, yes-I'm freaking scared out of my wits that it has spread, yes-I've sobbed on and off for the last three days, yes-I don't want to die...but, I'm a lot more calm about it all now, three days later. I've done lots of research as has everyone else in my family now, and even if I'm in stage 3 or 4, the prognosis is still pretty good. Here's something funny....I still am not sure exactly what type of cancer it is....uterine, cervical-hell, it could be crazy bitch cancer and I wouldn't know because I was too dumbfounded to ask- maybe...actually, I'm sure he told me, I just don't remember because I had a massive brain fart at that very moment. And a justified one, too!


So, here's the time table as I now know it. Monday morning I will have a catscan and bloodwork done. Wednesday afternoon I will meet with my oncologist/surgeon so he can tell me all the good news and schedule the surgery after which we will commence with the jewelry making session. All I have to say is....I hope my surgeon is HOT. I mean really, if I have to be going through all of this crap....at least give me some eye candy to look at for the few times I'll be seeing him! There's got to be SOME pleasantness in all of this horror! 

Some other good things...I will save A LOT of money on feminine hygiene products, we'll get to use the Aflac cancer policy we've been paying on, AND, OH... YES....I'm sure I'll lose more weight once they get all of these disease ridden, useless parts out of me! Just trying to find the silver lining, people....work with me, here.

I'm taking suggestions on earring styles for my ovaries. Feel free to submit sketches. The winner will receive an all-inclusive, paid trip to nowhere! 


One of my biggest concerns is, I have to go off of my RA meds to have all of this done, which means I will more than likely be crippled and in LOTS of pain again for a few weeks until I've healed and I can start back on my meds. I will be relying on family and friends a lot, and I'm soooo very thankful that I have them. All funniness aside, I know this is very serious and I know all of the possible outcomes. It's okay...I'll fight it no matter what. We'll deal with it as it comes.


After this is all over....I'm throwing a big-ass party, like the ones I used to have all of the time. Who knows, maybe the cops will even show up. Not a party til the cops show up to tell you to keep it down. Maybe I'll rent a hall somewhere and we can all meet, dance, sing, go do fun things, stay in hotels, and make a weekend of it! You old party goers know who you are!!! :) 


This is to all of my clean mouthed friends-sorry about all the cussing in this post, but you know me...and you know what I'm capable of...my dad REALLY was a sailor, you know. Navy. 


Okay. So, there it is. I'm now ready to curl up with John on the couch and watch a movie on Netflix, eat some popcorn, drink some unsweet tea and enjoy the rest of this weekend! I suggest the rest of you do the same!! -only with your spouses or significant others, not John. :) Love and Hugs to you all, and thanks in advance for the well wishes as we jump in with both feet into this next Midlife Scariness. :)


Carolinn


P.S. John found this recording of Chuck Mangione and Esther Satterfield performing "Land of Make Believe". I didn't even realize there were lyrics to this incredible piece of music. Then, I listened and read the lyrics. It pretty much describes how I'm feeling right now. The first verse.......well, you'll understand.

Hey, everybody! I haven't blogged since February...(it's been a rough few months) so, I figured it was time to get off my lazy streak and give you something to read as well as myself some writing therapy. 


First of all, since I last blogged, I am now on full disability. Which is interesting. I'm not feeling as anxious and depressed about not being able to work as I was. It helps to be able to pay the bills once again! But, I guess I feel kinda left out of the loop with my music teaching buds. Not their faults mind you, not anyone's...it's just the way it is. So, I gave voice lessons which ended last week for the summer and I'm accompanying for one choir performance next week, which I love...as long as my hands can do it! Had it happened a month ago, I wouldn't have been able to play piano for them...couldn't use my hands for about a week, but all is good now.


This weekend is Mother's Day weekend and Michele, Kendrick, Camille and I are going home to Farmington. Daron and John both have stuff to do, so they're staying home. We having a big family dinner (ALL of us) at Bruce and Evanne's on Saturday...can't wait to see everyone, especially Mom. I love her to the moon and back. :)


Okay, so a funny story about the last time we were at Mom's. We were watching Turtle Man, we being Mom, Kendrick, Camille, Chele and myself. It's a show about this toothless cooo who goes around catching wild animals that have gotten into places they're not supposed to be. So, he goes down in this old well, and there's this albino racoon....yes, I said an albino racoon....I know, I know....it's already too much...long story short, it was hissing and growling and right before a commercial, you hear this loud screech and the Turtle Man yell....it goes to commercial....Kendrick....out of the blue says, "I think it bit his nibble!" We all looked at each other and smiled with our eyebrows raised, and me, being the aunt who just can't let stuff go...said "What, Kendrick?" He said it again..."I think that albino racoon just bit his NIBBLE!" I have to say, it was all we could do to not crack up laughing...it was sooooo out of character for him to say something like that...but we didn't want him to think we were making fun of him, so we just went with it...BIG TIME...I said, "Man, that would really hurt if one of those things bit your NIBBLE." Kendrick, all serious like, said..."Yeah, it would!" Camille was laughing just because she's 4 and it was hilarious to her...Mom just about had a cow. She was laughing so hard and trying to keep it quiet that she finally got up and walked into the other room!! Then, it was over...we all busted up including Kendrick when it came back on, of course, he didn't know exactly WHAT we were laughing at...he was just having a good time. 


Since then, of course, the word nipples has now become nibbles.


In honor of our Mother's Day road trip on Friday...I've decided to find out some things about everyone else's road trips. The main thing I want to know is this....what kind of food do you take on a long road trip? Please answer me either on here or on facebook...I'm anxious to find out. Here's what I like on a road trip...no matter how long it is!
*Beef jerky
*Coffee
*Twizzlers (STRAWBERRY)
*Carrots and Celery sticks
*Fruit slices (usually Pink Lady apples and oranges)
*Nips (coffee flavored)
*Cinnamon sugar free gum
*Baked Lays
*Jolly Ranchers
*Bottled Water
Not the healthiest, but, it's not like we eat that stuff every day. And we don't eat it all at once!!
ANYTIME John and I are coming home from Farmington, St. Louis or Cape Girardeau, when leaving whichever town we're in....we ALWAYS stop at White Castle...again, not healthy....but oh my, how good do those belly bombers taste after not having them for months!! :) And since we don't eat drive through anymore, they really are a treat!


I've plateaued on the weight loss....I'm stuck at having lost 70 pounds. However, I haven't weighed in a month, so maybe I've lost a little more....even one pound would make me happy at this point, just so I can say I've lost OVER 70 pounds. Can't wait until I hit 100 pounds off. That will be an exciting day. It's sooooo stinkin' hard trying to lose it when I can't exercise. Frustrating. But, it has made me change everything about the way I look at food, cooking and portions! Much healthier today then I was 2 years ago this time!! :)


Last night was the season finale of The Voice. Until I started watching this show, I really liked Christina Aguilera, however, I think she's a royal bitch now. She's so uppity and then when she sang the duet "The Prayer" with Chris, even though she claimed to be sick, I was appalled. He did such a good job and she did not! Then, she copped out at the end...instead of singing the high f, she decided to take it down and roll around on a few notes so that no one would notice. Guess what, bitch....I heard you take that breath in the middle of that last phrase and then you didn't even sing the F!!! Get OVER yourself. She is so mean in her comments, even though some of them are right on the money, it's the way she says them and the look on her face when she does it. I really don't know if she feels inferior because she's a tub of goo now, or if all of that makeup has some kind of chemical that leeched poison into her brain causing her to become so angry, but either way, she doesn't have to be such a hater. I love the way Adam Levine handles her...maybe it's all for ratings, who knows. But, I can honestly say that I won't be buying any of her music anytime soon. I will be buying Maroon 5's new album asap!!! So there, Christina, from a REAL music coach to YOU....learn how to give CONSTRUCTIVE criticism and HELP the vocalists instead of just making them feel like poopoo! OH! And btw, John said about Justin Bieber's performance last night...."He just looks like an idiot! He's trying to be Michael Jackson, and he hasn't got the talent!" I tend to agree with my hubby. 


Okay, Camille is awake and it's time for play!!! Have a fantastic rest of the day, friends. :)

Snow Days Rock!

What is it about snow days that makes us all so excited??? I don't think that it's just the fact that we don't have to get out of the house and go to work or school...and yes, I realize that people who work in other areas besides schools still have to go to work unless it's a blizzard situation! I really think that the excitement is the left over emotions from childhood. We remember the night when the snow starts falling and we went to bed dreaming of a foot of snow, and waking up to our parent telling us that we had a SNOW DAY! The idea of staying in our p.j.s and sipping hot chocolate until it was time to go outside and sled, and make snowmen and snow forts stocked with snowballs with which to nail the neighborhood kids was so exciting and somehow induced a frenetic energy!!


We were lucky as kids because our Mom didn't work outside the home. She made everything so much fun! She would make us homemade hot chocolate on snow days. I can smell it warming on the stove now! Dad worked in St. Louis, so he left the house long before we woke up, especially during bad weather. He'd usually leave between 4:30 and 5:00 a.m. to get there on time. He was a projects engineer for St. Louis  County Highway and Traffic. So, no matter what...he went to work. Saturdays were great because Dad was home too, and sometimes we could talk him into going out into the snow with us! But, it was usually short lived!! However, our older sister, Evanne and our sister in law, Becky were usually around for the fun!! 


We'd wax the bottom of the toboggan until our hands hurt to be sure that it would glide across the snow and ice!!! For those of you who don't know what a toboggan is, it's a sled, but it doesn't have runners or skis like a typical sled. It sits right on the ground. Hence, the big waxing job to make sure it would glide!!! It also can carry several people at once. At least ours did. It has parallel wooden slats that curve up at the front into a J shape. There are shorter pieces of wood that cross the parallel slats and section off "seats".  There was a rope hooked into the J front section of ours, but steering was really nonexistent!


During one snowstorm, we had lots of ice and snow followed by more ice! It was soooo cold, Mom wouldn't let Michele and myself go outside because we were quite little, but Evanne and Becky did. I can remember standing up on the couch and looking out of the big picture window with Michele and watching them ice skate on the street! Of course, there were lots of slips and falls outside which prompted lots of giggles inside. I can still remember the feeling of wanting to be out there ice skating with them soooo badly that I almost couldn't contain myself!! That memory is one of my favorites from my childhood!


Well, now at the age of 45, I still get excited about possible snow days, but I'm more focused on making sure there's plenty of gas in the cars, food in the pantry, laundry detergent in the laundry room and toilet paper in the bathrooms!! :) If we do indeed get a little snow today as predicted and quite a bit of snow and ice on Sunday night and Monday as predicted, I want to make sure that we are prepared! I can guarantee that any snow days in the future here at the Devos household will involve John and myself drinking hot chocolate in our p.j.s and watching the next episodes of LOST on dvd!! We didn't watch the series when it was on TV, but are hooked now that Chris and Sarah loaned us all 6 seasons on dvd!! So, that's what our snowday will entail!! :)


I can only hope that your snowdays are as enjoyable as mine have been and will be!!!

45 Years of observations!

Today is my 45th birthday. Here are some random observations I've made.


No matter how old you are, it's FUN to get birthday well wishes. It's 8:30a.m. and my sister called and sang to me and I've had a half hour conversation with one of my best friends from high school, Steve Fowler. 


My skin is sagging on my face. Maybe it's because I've lost 62 pounds, but it's still sagging. This...I don not like.


I've discovered that if you spread mustard with a knife instead of just squeezing it out of the bottle, that it does not spread evenly. But, I still like to spread it because the clumps of mustard don't work for me. I want to taste it with every bite of my sandwich.


Routine is the key to humans having a happy existence. We crave routine. Whether it's brushing and flossing before you get into the shower each morning, or doing the laundry on Saturday mornings. We need a routine. However, if this routine is not sprinkled with fun interruptions, like staying in bed with your significant other for WHATEVER:) reason when you're supposed to be doing something else, then the routine becomes a bummer.


Kids have changed. I realize that the differences from the 1950's kids growing up to us who grew up in the 70's/80's was significant. But I don't think those differences can hold a candle to the ones that I've observed in what I call the "technology children". They lack certain skills that we all just took for granted. They don't communicate verbally well at all. When they meet someone, it is rare that I see a handshake or that I hear them say "It's nice to meet you, so and so." WE were taught that when you meet someone, you say "It's nice to meet you" and repeat their name so that you won't forget it. The kids seem very distant and removed and I blame it on texting, messaging and all that jazz. Even though that may not be what is causing it, I'm going to blame it anyway. Oh...and another thing, I think texting, messaging and spell check shortcuts are why they are such horrible spellers too.


Fruits infused with other fruit juices are awesome. Take the grapple for example. It's an apple infused with grape juice, and they are delicious. Bethanie Ernst, G.B., turned me on to these. (When Bethanie student taught with me, and lived with John and myself during that time, we dubbed her "go-fer bitch" because she was always running to the store to get something for school or home, or she was running to get drinks for us, or picking up my school mail so I wouldn't have to walk, etc.) She was a fantastic student teacher and is now a fantastic choir director, and we love her very much! But back to the fruit juice infused fruits....try them. You'll love them.


At the age of 18, the highlight of my day was getting a call from one of my friends asking me to meet them or go somewhere with them. At the age of 45, the highlight of my day is singing songs with my 4 year old niece at naptime. :)


Being 45 doesn't feel any different from any other age, except that I know that in 5 years, I'll be eligible for AARP.  So the significant ages in my life were 10- I started my period, 16-I got my license and became FREE, 18-I could vote, graduated high school and started college, 21- could LEGALLY drink alcohol, 23-started my career, 25-my Dad died, 28-got married, 35-got Rheumatoid Arthritis, and today...45- I have yet to see what is in store for this age! Who knows, maybe this year I'll go through menopause and STOP having periods!!! :) If you're offended by this, get over it. Every female goes through it, just like every man knows what masturbation is. So, don't be all nose in the air and think "I can't believe she just said that!" I am who I am and I figure at 45, I can say whatever I want on MY BLOG. :)


My last observation on my birthday is this. Things happen to us. Horrible things, wonderful things....things happen. How we handle these different events is what defines us as individuals. We don't always handle them the same way...it depends on where we are in our lives, but our character pretty much defines how we'll react in any situation. We choose our paths for the most part. Today, I'm choosing to be happy, loving, encouraged, encouraging and inspired. I can only hope that you will do the same. 


Thanks for reading, friends. :) Love and Hugs. And thanks for my birthday greetings!!

The Blanket of Truth

I had a very long conversation with a very old friend yesterday. It was one of those events that happens in your life that you know was meant to be. Without going into detail about what our four-hour colloquy included, I will say that it was a genuine, in-depth, heartfelt exchange of thoughts, ideas and possibilities. It felt like a soft, warm blanket cloaking me from a harsh, stinging coldness.

I've always felt like I needed to know more, do more, be more. The thing is, as I've matured not only in age, but also in "being", I've realized that every single day of my life has been, in one way or another, a day in which I knew more, did more, or have been more. I continue to grow as a spiritual person and have been reminded over the last couple of years that my existence is not only what I make of it, but also that there IS a very real and lasting extension and understanding to the numbered days we are all living.

I exist within a bubble of questions, ideas, challenges and insights, as do we all. Fortunately, I have always had the ability to say to myself "But, what if?" and know that the idea of "what if" was a way for me to see beyond the information that was given to me and expand my knowledge while satisfying the need to challenge the status quo.  My mind does not allow me to just accept without question.  I have always wanted to know the whys and hows of everything. I have lived my life thus far thinking that what I put out there into the world is what will eventually come back to me. Karma, if you will.  I believe that this week's announcement on the national news that John Edwards has a bad heart condition is an event that has karma written all over it. Not that I wanted him to be sick, but sometimes, you just have to open your eyes to truly see what is happening around us.  Of course, that's not to say that every single person who has something wrong with him or her is a "victim" of  karma. That's not what I'm saying at all. I'm just telling you that what you put out there into the world, affects you and other people whom you do and do not know. We breed what we are, what we live.

My perspective about how I handle things has changed over the last decade. Mainly because the physical pain I have learned to endure had become a catalyst for my explosive personality - which used to be short fused, quick to anger and let it all go - on whoever was the unfortunate soul who had triggered my rage, to be multiplied several times over. When I'm in lots of pain, or even just at a slightly elevated pain level-but for an extended period of time, I can physically feel my blood pressure rising and before I can catch myself, I'm yelling, biting John's head off, being short with my words, and very flippant and rude. One day not too long ago, John had his can full of me, and politely said. "Carolinn!" (which was my first clue something was wrong, because he always calls me "honey") "Carolinn! Do you realize that you've continually attacked me since I got home from work yesterday? You are being so short and rude to me. Would you please stop???!!" BlinkBlink...BlinkBlink...I had not realized that I was doing that to him...it took about 2.5 seconds for me to review my actions over the last few hours and come to the conclusion that I was reacting to being in pain. Not making an excuse, because the reaction is something I can control, but the pain is not. The constant, wrenching pain was and is an automatic multiplier of whatever bitchiness I have in me. What he said was true. I had been rude and unreasonable to him. So now, I'm very careful of how and what I say when I'm having a hard time dealing with the vicious attack on my good cells by my bad cells which cause a very uncomfortable time to be had by not only me, but all who are around me. Thank you, John, for your patience.

How does this all tie in together?  I am now putting out there a much more tolerable, positive Carolinn, when I'm dealing with pain or anything that troubles me. I have taken time to breathe, focus, meditate and control my reactions to the onslaught so that it isn't so offensive to those whom I love and who take care of me. This realization has allowed me to apply this more positive reaction to other areas of my life. Again, what I put out there, comes back to me in some form or another. I believe that I'm broadening my sense of self. I am suddenly cognizant of things that, if I ever had been cognizant of, had forgotten them over the years. My mid-life scariness, as is the title of this Blog, is becoming less and less scary all of the time.

It is with this inkling that I say I am in a constant state of trying to be a good person, trying to do the right things and spreading the love and encouragement that has been given to me by not only my family, but numerous friends from my lifespan. The last few years of my life, I have not been doing that. I had allowed myself to become a judgmental, spiteful person...which is why, I believe, my heart has been so troubled. My vision of me is now a truthful one. I haven't always been able to say that....but now I can. So, the soft, warm blanket I spoke of earlier, I now know to be the understanding that can only come with age, experience, maturity and self awareness. I AM middle aged, I AM sick, and I AM able to change and grow into a better person.


It hasn't been an easy journey for me.  I kept thinking it was the people I was dealing with at school (work) and their idiocy that was the main reason I was so angry and frustrated all of the time. And yes, I still believe that had a lot to do with it. When you work with liars who are on an ego trip, and will say and do anything to get their way, even at the cost of the students' education, that can be a very depressing and anger inducing environment in which to work.


So, now I've come to a new chapter in my existence. I believe this chapter of my life will be amended from Mid-Life Scariness to Mid- Life Scariness and The Awakening. To all of my friends and family members out there who happen to read this, I want you all to know that I love you, appreciate you and respect you. For those old friends from elementary, jr. high, high school and college who I have just recently reconnected with through Facebook, I can't thank you enough for the laughs, memories and encouragement you've sent me across them miles!!! 

I will continue to work toward a healthier self and hopefully I will invoke a positive change for those who share my life.  Ahhhhhh, yes, the blanket is very warm and soft, indeed!!!! 
(((Hugs))) to everyone.