My Lifecake.

Layers. Layers and layers and layers of love, sadness, frustration, elation, relief, and a whole lot of other words that are descriptors is how I view my life. It's like a giant layer cake but the layers in between the cake layers are all of the extra things that I look at as having been the "really good stuff" that made the other layers more interesting and bearable.

I heard a quote from a movie today. "Getting old isn't bad...it's earned." My life has been grand. I've gotten to do things that many people only dream of doing. I've traveled to foreign lands, sung in Carnegie Hall with a bunch of my friends, prayed in Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris, put myself through college by waiting tables at Pizza Hut and directing church choir, taught hundreds and hundreds of kids music-elementary music, Jr. High and High School choir and band, Music Theory...I've thrown lots of parties, cooked wonderful meals, refurnished furniture, laughed with my family and friends, helped raise my youngest niece and nephew, laid in the sun under blues skies a thousand times, swam in the Caribbean, camped in the forest and built my own campfire, drank great beers, sipped great bourbon, laid in bed with my mom and talked about the world, played basketball with my dad, shared secrets with my sisters and stories with my brothers, felt pride with my husband as we watched our band take the field in competition, discussed politics & religion, worn beautiful clothes and jewelry, lived in three states, worked on a cruise ship as a fill in for a month, learned from everyone I possibly can and have tried to set a good example for my students as well as my nieces and nephews.

All of these things make up the layers of my lifecake. The layers are all delicious and irreplaceable. I consider myself very lucky in so many ways. I found my soul mate my first day of college, even though we didn't get together until years later. And that one thing..finding John and marrying him has molded my life in ways that have expanded my knowledge, made me laugh harder than I ever thought possible and shown me that love really can be unconditional. My life is good....great at times! Yes, my limitations are many more than I anticipated they would be at my age, but as I find more and more ways to cope, deal and overcome these limitations, I find myself growing stronger emotionally. I've always been a "tough" girl, but now, I'm feeling a bit like what I would assume is how Wonder Woman feels. Tough with experience to back it up. And a cool outfit, too!

I've always been terrified of the thought of dying. I've experienced death as most people have...my dad died at the age of 64-I was 25-, my grandparents have all passed, I have friends who have passed. My very first time I experienced death was with my friend John Gower in 5th grade. Then my friend, Nancy Wisdom our freshman year, Mike Hoose, AJ Concelada, Gary Reeves and many more, unfortunately. I've had students that have passed and teachers that have passed. And every single one disturbed me immensely.

I've always been so worried about what impact my life was going to have on others, what GREAT things I could and would do....what recognition I would get for those things, and all this time that I've spent worrying about all of that was wasted time. It doesn't really matter in the long run, what matters is how you make people FEEL. It's not about money, cars, a beautiful house...the things I've always thought we should have- and all the things that we use for the meaning of "success"...it's about the happiness that we give to people in our presence, with our laughter, our love and kindness.

I'm very comfortable with what I've accomplished. I'm very uncomfortable with what I haven't accomplished but have learned to accept the fact that those things...I may never be able to do. That's okay, though...it really is. I've earned my crows feet-I've earned my scars and gray hair. I am still able to LOVE and LAUGH and to me...those are the most important things in my lifecake now. Thank God those are things we can do-no matter what our bodies have in store for us...I'm thankful to be able to do them both...and do them VERY well.

So with that, I will say to those of you who find yourselves in a bad place in your life, take a deep breath and be thankful that you can laugh and love...no matter what else you do or don't have...you can do both of those things with MANY other people. Be grateful for that, take advantage of that-as for the rest of those bothersome things that you haven't accomplished or been able to get yet-understand that you may never accomplish or get them. It's okay...make it okay.

Yammering, Coach, Prada and Coughing on People

It's always something, right? So, today I took John back to Dr. Essman for his 2nd post op appointment. All is GREAT. Healing extremely well...photos of the eye are all clear. Yayyyy!

While I was waiting on him to get the eyedrops, then the photos before we actually go back and wait for the doctor, I noticed this very nicely dressed lady probably mid to late 50's sitting with and older lady and the older lady's husband. He used a cane and seemed to be in some pain when he walked. They were there for the older lady.

Okay, so John is back doing the eyedrop thing and even though these three people are sitting down in the next section from me, the nicely dressed lady is speaking directly toward me so I can hear practically everything she is spewing out of her very pink lipsticked mouth!

She was going on and on about her ex-husband who doesn't have anything-won't even have enough money to buy a casket when he's dead. Oh, yes, she said it. And that her three children probably wouldn't be giving her any grandchildren because two out of the three were gay and the third, well....(insert uncomfortable, trailing laugh here.) Then she was talking about some lady they had known when they were younger and how thin and pretty she'd been and the nicely dressed lady had seen her not to long ago and she was fat and ugly now. What a shame...she was SO thin and pretty-her words, people...not mine.

This goes on for a good 10 minutes or so while I'm sitting there by myself. Then, they call the older ladies name to come to the room. A couple of minutes later, the man decides he wants to go back with her so the nicely dressed lady takes him back...THEN (insert the descending dun dun DUN!) she sits down directly across from me. MY THOUGHT BUBBLE...(Oh, holy shit...you've got to be freakin' kiddin' me...where the hell is John...I look like shit, I feel like shit, no make-up, my hair looks terrible, I've got on a visor to try and hide that fact, I'm coughing like I've got some kind of lung disease and she's going to fucking sit here and yammer at me now? REALLY???? Continue thought bubble...Lady, if you know what's good for you and that $500.00 Coach bag you've got there, you'll get your skinny, old ass up, wrap those pink, fake, fingernail laden, wrinkled hands around the handles of that prior thought out Coach bag and walk in those expensive assed Prada heels right on back down to where you were sitting before.) End thought bubble.

That didn't happen. She talked at me-nonstop-about her business and working 16 and 18 hour days and how she was there with her oldest sister and brother-in-law and she had no idea why in the world they didn't call their children to take them to doctors appointments...like she doesn't work...and she was pissed a few months back because she drove them to Springfield for a doctors appointment and then the next day the two of them drove down to Branson and farted around down there for 3 days...if they can drive to Branson, they can drive themselves to Springfield to the doctor...and on and on and on and on and on....WAIT...There's JOHN...Oh thank GOD in the heavenly wilderness...it was time to go back and wait for the doctor!

I stood up, grabbed my bright, red, patent leather, Liz Claiborne bag that was $76.00 but with the sale and my coupon it ended up costing me $13.79...I smiled at John and he gave me that look...the one that says "what's going on?" and as I turned to walk with him and the nurse back to the room, the nicely dressed yammering lady said..."Ooooo....I love your purse." And with that I said, "Thank you." and walked back to the room.

I have to admit, I thought about coughing on her. During her diatribe about nothing that I was interested in listening to...I seriously thought...if I cough on her this next time, and leave spittle droplets on her expensive glasses as I cough and gag...she'll leave me alone." But, I didn't. She was one of the most self-absorbed people I've ever met. But, I have to say...I loved her shoes and purse!