Leaves, Crazy Patients, and Breaking Bad

Yesterday, while I was driving to my 3 month oncology hootie check up, I drove under a tree in the "Creepy Woods" (which is what my little niece calls the road leading into the back of our subdivision that is lined with big trees) that was dropping leaves as if we were in October or November! My first thought was "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" I looked around and realized that everything was a little dimmer than it had been a couple of weeks back, just a little more yellow painted onto the earth that was lush green just days ago. Which for me, brings on some sadness. Summer is my season...for lots of reasons, but I think it's mainly because that's when I've had the most fun in my life, on summer breaks with my family and friends...laughing til we cry.

I drove on desperately wanting to stop for a cup o' joe but was running late and knew that I could get a cup there at my hootie cancer doc's office. You know, "Chub O'Reilley Cancer Center" with the Giant Golden Hootie in the window! When I got there, on time mind you...they were actually running late, so I had plenty of time to sip on the dark brown smoothness that makes my headaches subside into nothingness. And I say thank goodness for that! Coffee rocks...plain and simple.

Let me just say...it was Hootie and the Blowtorch all over AGAIN this visit. However, it wasn't near as bad this time...because he didn't have to "shave" the granulation tissue this time...JUST burn it...lovely. At least I'm not on fire this time! AND, he didn't have it up on the screen for me to witness visually while feeling it at the same time. Over it. Will know if my pap is good on Monday. Keep your fingers crossed. Even though I know that it is unlikely that there will be any cancer cells every three months, it is still nerve wracking as all hell.

So, now...I'm an insurance agent. Yeah, I can't believe it either! But, I really like it so far. I'm just thankful to have a job that I can set my own schedule. It's good. I do miss teaching music...so very much, but I know I can't physically do that job anymore. I've accepted it, it's okay. For now.

And NOW, story time with Carolinn. So, while in the waiting room yesterday, this older lady came in, dressed to the teeth in a suit, jewelry, pumps, makeup, hair done. She was with a very large woman who used a rolling walker to get around. They were both talking loudly from the time they came in.

The well dressed lady who was the patient went up to the counter and had a pill bottle and told the receptionist that she was here 3 hours early because she had to take this pill and didn't want to have to drive with it because it would probably make her sleep and so she brought someone to drive her and would it be okay if she went ahead and took the pill.........on and on...the receptionist said, "I don't think I can get you in any earlier, do you need to eat with that medicine? You both could go down to the cafeteria on the bottom floor and hang out there til your appointment." "Oh, that's okay." said the lady. "We'll just stay here and I'll grab something off the snack table." I thought to myself, "nice try, anyway!"

While this is going on, another patient came in and sat down right next to me, which always amazes me because there were plenty of other seats she could have placed herself into, but noooooo, right next to me! Then she gets up and walks over to the counter where there is a fridge with juices/waters, a counter with peanut butter crackers and such, coffee machine with hot water for cocoa, and hot teas- of which they have several kinds of bags, and then the coffee machine has regular coffee and espresso and something else I don't remember right now.

So this "sit next to me lady" grabs like 5 packages of peanut butter crackers, a handful of teabags, a bunch of napkins, and some hot cocoa packets, stuffs them into her purse and sits back down next to me. She's going through her stash and looks over at me and whispers..."ooooo, apple cinnamon tea!" She then holds one of the tea bags out to me and says, "Ya want one?" I felt like we were doing a drug deal or something only with fruity fall tea bags and cocoa packets. I politely said "No thank you." Cancer Klepto slipped the shit back into her purse and continued to dig around in the large bag as if she didn't know what she had just jacked and put in it! Why is it I always get the crazies tryin' to be all up in ma bidness at the doctor's offices. So, thankfully, only a couple of minutes after that, I got called in to spread 'em and say "Ahhhhhhhh". I didn't check my purse, hopefully, C.K. didn't score any of my stuff while I was pretending to read Better Homes and Gardens. I felt like I was on Candid Camera again. I know that one day, with all of these weird things that happen to me...one day it's going to be a Candid Camera stunt, or Punk'd or something.

It's been about a month since I last blogged. I've missed it! But, been busy with the new job and John starting the new school year! I'm so proud of his marching band kiddos. There is so much improvement this year! The hard work pays off in the end! 

Breaking Bad only has three more episodes until the end of the show for good. Makes me sad. It's a fun escape from my world, and the writing on the show is great. Brian Cranston is a bad ass. If you don't watch the show, I suggest you watch it on Netflix, because we are in the last 3 episodes of season 5, which is the final season! Some episodes may seem a little slow, but just keep watching, because it gets ooooohhhh, so very good!! So, in the words of Jesse Pinkman off of BB, who adds "bitches" to everything he says, Later, bitches! :)

And So It Goes.

A couple of things I realized today...

#1. After watching an episode of Scooby Doo with Camille, I realized that the traditional Scooby Doo theme...ya know..."Scooby dooby doo....where are you??? We've got some work to doooo nooooow!!"...has been replaced with some lame, instrumental, not able to hum it later theme. Disappointment all around.

#2. Even though I have been able to back down from 100 units (on an insulin syringe), or 25ml- of Methotexate injections per week, to 80 units...or whatever the equivalent in mls that is, I still get sick the second day after taking it. Disappointment yet again.

#3. Come Saturday, when John turns 48, he will be eligible for AARP in exactly 2 years! Not necessarily disappointment, but where the hell did the last 28 years go???

#4. There are three things in life that I will NEVER be able to complete. Dishes, laundry & house cleaning. Not disappointed here, either. Because, I couldn't care less. :)

#5. Many of the friends I have been lucky enough to enjoy my younger life with, I am still close to today! This makes my heart HAPPY! :)

#6. The fact that I haven't been able to sing for the last 3 1/2 months because of this stupid crud, has made me realize what a blessing it is to be able to sing at all. The disappointment here is that the ENT didn't say a word about me not being able to sing...just focused on my ears...catch him on the 19th when I go back.

#7. Sometimes, chocolate and coffee are the only two things in my "defense against lashing out basket". Chocolate and Coffee=Happiness, Relief and Yumminess. No disappointment. 

#8. If you buy cheap bras, there's no maintenance in the world that can be done to them that will lift those puppies up. This disappointment is that I have to wear a bra..."Where oh where have my perky boobs gone??? Where oh where can they be??????"

#9. I have to be in a "mood" to write. I'm not able to just sit down and let it flow. This is frustrating, however, usually when I'm in the mood, I can get some funny stuff down on paper...well ...on Word or on my Blog, I should say.

And #10.  If the peaches are only .75 a pound, DON'T BUY THEM NO MATTER HOW WONDERFULLY JUICY AND SWEET THEY LOOK. Major disappointment! 

Hootie and the Blowtorch,Technical Difficulties & HotflashMemoryLoss.

As I mentally prep myself for my three month oncology appointment on Monday, I'm a little apprehensive about what might happen. Three months ago, I go be-bopping in there feeling all positive and happy to be cancer free...which is awesome and for which I'm very grateful and hopefully, will be this time too! 

However, during my last exam, my doc says something to me which seems so very wrong on sooo many levels...let me try and quote him as accurately as possible.

"Okay, uhhh... we've got a little problem here." Me-"What's the problem?" Dr. C. "Well, you didn't heal completely from the surgery and there's tissue that has formed over the opening that didn't completely close. I'm going to have to shave that off and then because it's so moist inside, I'll have to burn it so that it will scab over and heal." Me...listening... laying there, spread eagle..."So, when will we have to schedule this?" Dr. C..."Oh, I'm going to do it right now...okay, I've just put a CAMERA up in you so that you can watch up here on the screen." My head is whirling about now, my mind has focused on "shave it, burn it, camera up in you" Oh, hells yeah...sounds like a party! All I need now is a tube top, a cigarette, a canned beer and some bad teeth and the entire party would be complete.

So, I'm watching the television screen above me which is a live shot of my hootie-okay, kinda cool...until... he takes this stick thingy and is moving the flap of tissue back and forth showing me the opening that is NOT supposed to be there. Then I hear him say to the nurse..."you better get me 4 cans of nitro-whatever blahblahblahblah..." My mind is thinking "Oh, holy shit...here we go again." Dr. C. says to me as I look AWAY from the screen because the feeling of him flipping that piece of tissue around like it was a light switch on a wall of a frequently used restroom, at the same time I was watching it on the screen, was freaking me out. Sensory OVERLOAD...Danger!!! Danger!!! Stop flipping that around, please....PLEASE! Put...the...stick...thingy...down,...SIR, or I will crush your highly trained surgeon's arms and hands with my cellulite laden thighs!

Dr. C. says to me "Now, most women don't feel this at all." As he suddenly starts "shaving, burning, videotaping"...Really?? Oh, okay....Okay.......OKAYYYY....You're a freaking liar! OR those women are...doesn't matter because right now, my hootie could double as a dragon's breath. I don't know if he actually "video taped" the procedure, because I couldn't watch. I was too busy squeezing my eyes shut and trying not to call him a plethora of horrible but accurate names that I learned from my Dad, the sailor.

For the next two days, my crotch felt like someone had taken a blowtorch to it as if they were finishing off a creme brulee. "Most women don't feel this at all." My ass, they don't. Actually, my hootie, they don't. 

We've been enjoying a "STAYCATION" this week with some friends. We're staying at home and driving into Branson and using vouchers and tickets to shows, Silver Dollar City, etc. that we've all collected over the last year from various people and haven't had a chance to use yet! Very fun, and get to sleep in our own beds!

So, yesterday afternoon we went to "The New Shanghai Circus" and it was awesome. Last night, we had tickets to the "Kirby Van Burch Magic Show". Uhhh....the only magic going on in that place was whatever the force was that was keeping him upright and keeping some audience member in close proximity from bitch slapping him. He kept tripping and stumbling, they had "technical difficulties" two times during the show that completely shut it down for a good 20 minutes each time and we NEVER got to see the big tiger. You could hear the trap doors closing as they were jumping into them, you could see the pockets in the "magic handkerchiefs"...sheeeze, I know the tickets were free and all, but there were people who PAID and they were getting the same "magic" that we were...unfortunate for them.

Friends, if you've ever seen ol' Kirby's photos on his advertisements, he looks about 25. In real life, he's about 60 and has bad hair. Those photos are either from 35 years ago, or someone is REALLY good with Photoshop. Actually,  we thought he might be sick or something. After researching him- after we got home, we found out that he has been in trouble for tax evasion, and even worse...animal neglect/abuse...unbelievable. Maybe he's a really nice guy and just had some unfortunate things happen. Maybe. Or maybe he's a douchebag. Actually, at one point in his life, he was a FANTASTIC magician in Las Vegas. He won many awards and had a huge following. Key word...HAD. My advice is- if you are going to visit Branson-don't waste your money or time on his show. I hope he gets better...no matter what the problem was last night. Especially after finding out how awesome he used to be. Technical difficulties, no kidding.

Tonight it looks like we're in for another long night of severe storms, tennis ball sized hail-or as I said earlier by mistake -tennis sized ball hail .- and tornadoes. Which means, no sleep and a lot of nervous energy. I freakin' despise tornadoes. I've been in three...one was too many. I can only hope that no one gets hit by a Joplin or Moore type tornado tonight. 

I'm glad to see that they've finally found a correlation between hotflashes and memory loss. All they had to do was call me, I could have given them all the info they needed...right after I changed my clothes from sweating and remembered where I had put the phone. I could have told them all about the connection between hotflashes and memory loss while I was mopping my brow, standing in the refrigerator door while fanning myself waiting for the air conditioning to kick on that I just moved down to the "Antarctic" line on the thermostat and looking for my keys or purse or pin or ass or kitchen or bed or car, etc. Anyone have a moist towelette?? 

I'd like to give Chris Sacco credit for the "Hootie and the Blowtorch" title...he asked me if I'd been blogging lately...I answered no. He said "you could tell the story about your last appt. and call it Hootie and the Blowtorch!!" Cracked me up, hence this blogpost! :)

Our Reunion, Our Friendships, Our Music.

The last 11 years of my life have not been easy. Three years ago, when I had to stop teaching music, I struggled with not only my identity, but also with the fact that I may never be able to do it again. Yesterday, even though I wasn't "teaching music", I was able to experience something that has given me more pleasure than I've been able to have in years.

The satisfaction, love and joy that filled my heart and soul this weekend, was more than I could even imagine. My elementary music teacher, Sue Cook , my high school choir director, Don Vieth, both of my college choir directors, Doyle A. Dumas and John Egbert, my private piano teacher, Dr. John Shelton, my brother in law, Daron Nall, and many of my best friends from college, were able to raise our voices in song TOGETHER, all while having my husband there taking care of all the other things and playing timpani so that I could actually sing. The "healing" that took place in my heart yesterday can never be explained with words. The music. The love. The forever friendships. The JOY.  Things I've been missing for a long time.

I'd like to thank EVERYONE who was a part of it yesterday! But, the biggest THANK YOU'S go to Dr. Chris Goeke for making this thing actually happen, Dr. Peter J. Durow, for giving up his ACDA trip to Dallas to conduct us-and by the way- YOU WERE FANTASTIC!! Also to Dr. Doyle A. Dumas and Dr. John B. Egbert for being such wonderful influences on me during college and bringing that back to life for me through your music yesterday.

AND- to all of my college friends...you people rock my world. You are the funniest, smartest,  most talented group of friends a gal like me could ever hope to have.  We have aged, yes. And now, many of YOUR kids are in college and are the age now that WE all were when we first met and formed these life-long bonds. That makes me happy. Music brought us together then, life scattered us across the miles, and yesterday, music brought us back together. I love you all, dearly. Thank you for making me laugh, cry and remember WHAT my life can be again. There's a song in my heart...once more.

Love, Hugs, Song & Joy,
Carolinn:)

My Lifecake.

Layers. Layers and layers and layers of love, sadness, frustration, elation, relief, and a whole lot of other words that are descriptors is how I view my life. It's like a giant layer cake but the layers in between the cake layers are all of the extra things that I look at as having been the "really good stuff" that made the other layers more interesting and bearable.

I heard a quote from a movie today. "Getting old isn't bad...it's earned." My life has been grand. I've gotten to do things that many people only dream of doing. I've traveled to foreign lands, sung in Carnegie Hall with a bunch of my friends, prayed in Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris, put myself through college by waiting tables at Pizza Hut and directing church choir, taught hundreds and hundreds of kids music-elementary music, Jr. High and High School choir and band, Music Theory...I've thrown lots of parties, cooked wonderful meals, refurnished furniture, laughed with my family and friends, helped raise my youngest niece and nephew, laid in the sun under blues skies a thousand times, swam in the Caribbean, camped in the forest and built my own campfire, drank great beers, sipped great bourbon, laid in bed with my mom and talked about the world, played basketball with my dad, shared secrets with my sisters and stories with my brothers, felt pride with my husband as we watched our band take the field in competition, discussed politics & religion, worn beautiful clothes and jewelry, lived in three states, worked on a cruise ship as a fill in for a month, learned from everyone I possibly can and have tried to set a good example for my students as well as my nieces and nephews.

All of these things make up the layers of my lifecake. The layers are all delicious and irreplaceable. I consider myself very lucky in so many ways. I found my soul mate my first day of college, even though we didn't get together until years later. And that one thing..finding John and marrying him has molded my life in ways that have expanded my knowledge, made me laugh harder than I ever thought possible and shown me that love really can be unconditional. My life is good....great at times! Yes, my limitations are many more than I anticipated they would be at my age, but as I find more and more ways to cope, deal and overcome these limitations, I find myself growing stronger emotionally. I've always been a "tough" girl, but now, I'm feeling a bit like what I would assume is how Wonder Woman feels. Tough with experience to back it up. And a cool outfit, too!

I've always been terrified of the thought of dying. I've experienced death as most people have...my dad died at the age of 64-I was 25-, my grandparents have all passed, I have friends who have passed. My very first time I experienced death was with my friend John Gower in 5th grade. Then my friend, Nancy Wisdom our freshman year, Mike Hoose, AJ Concelada, Gary Reeves and many more, unfortunately. I've had students that have passed and teachers that have passed. And every single one disturbed me immensely.

I've always been so worried about what impact my life was going to have on others, what GREAT things I could and would do....what recognition I would get for those things, and all this time that I've spent worrying about all of that was wasted time. It doesn't really matter in the long run, what matters is how you make people FEEL. It's not about money, cars, a beautiful house...the things I've always thought we should have- and all the things that we use for the meaning of "success"...it's about the happiness that we give to people in our presence, with our laughter, our love and kindness.

I'm very comfortable with what I've accomplished. I'm very uncomfortable with what I haven't accomplished but have learned to accept the fact that those things...I may never be able to do. That's okay, though...it really is. I've earned my crows feet-I've earned my scars and gray hair. I am still able to LOVE and LAUGH and to me...those are the most important things in my lifecake now. Thank God those are things we can do-no matter what our bodies have in store for us...I'm thankful to be able to do them both...and do them VERY well.

So with that, I will say to those of you who find yourselves in a bad place in your life, take a deep breath and be thankful that you can laugh and love...no matter what else you do or don't have...you can do both of those things with MANY other people. Be grateful for that, take advantage of that-as for the rest of those bothersome things that you haven't accomplished or been able to get yet-understand that you may never accomplish or get them. It's okay...make it okay.

Yammering, Coach, Prada and Coughing on People

It's always something, right? So, today I took John back to Dr. Essman for his 2nd post op appointment. All is GREAT. Healing extremely well...photos of the eye are all clear. Yayyyy!

While I was waiting on him to get the eyedrops, then the photos before we actually go back and wait for the doctor, I noticed this very nicely dressed lady probably mid to late 50's sitting with and older lady and the older lady's husband. He used a cane and seemed to be in some pain when he walked. They were there for the older lady.

Okay, so John is back doing the eyedrop thing and even though these three people are sitting down in the next section from me, the nicely dressed lady is speaking directly toward me so I can hear practically everything she is spewing out of her very pink lipsticked mouth!

She was going on and on about her ex-husband who doesn't have anything-won't even have enough money to buy a casket when he's dead. Oh, yes, she said it. And that her three children probably wouldn't be giving her any grandchildren because two out of the three were gay and the third, well....(insert uncomfortable, trailing laugh here.) Then she was talking about some lady they had known when they were younger and how thin and pretty she'd been and the nicely dressed lady had seen her not to long ago and she was fat and ugly now. What a shame...she was SO thin and pretty-her words, people...not mine.

This goes on for a good 10 minutes or so while I'm sitting there by myself. Then, they call the older ladies name to come to the room. A couple of minutes later, the man decides he wants to go back with her so the nicely dressed lady takes him back...THEN (insert the descending dun dun DUN!) she sits down directly across from me. MY THOUGHT BUBBLE...(Oh, holy shit...you've got to be freakin' kiddin' me...where the hell is John...I look like shit, I feel like shit, no make-up, my hair looks terrible, I've got on a visor to try and hide that fact, I'm coughing like I've got some kind of lung disease and she's going to fucking sit here and yammer at me now? REALLY???? Continue thought bubble...Lady, if you know what's good for you and that $500.00 Coach bag you've got there, you'll get your skinny, old ass up, wrap those pink, fake, fingernail laden, wrinkled hands around the handles of that prior thought out Coach bag and walk in those expensive assed Prada heels right on back down to where you were sitting before.) End thought bubble.

That didn't happen. She talked at me-nonstop-about her business and working 16 and 18 hour days and how she was there with her oldest sister and brother-in-law and she had no idea why in the world they didn't call their children to take them to doctors appointments...like she doesn't work...and she was pissed a few months back because she drove them to Springfield for a doctors appointment and then the next day the two of them drove down to Branson and farted around down there for 3 days...if they can drive to Branson, they can drive themselves to Springfield to the doctor...and on and on and on and on and on....WAIT...There's JOHN...Oh thank GOD in the heavenly wilderness...it was time to go back and wait for the doctor!

I stood up, grabbed my bright, red, patent leather, Liz Claiborne bag that was $76.00 but with the sale and my coupon it ended up costing me $13.79...I smiled at John and he gave me that look...the one that says "what's going on?" and as I turned to walk with him and the nurse back to the room, the nicely dressed yammering lady said..."Ooooo....I love your purse." And with that I said, "Thank you." and walked back to the room.

I have to admit, I thought about coughing on her. During her diatribe about nothing that I was interested in listening to...I seriously thought...if I cough on her this next time, and leave spittle droplets on her expensive glasses as I cough and gag...she'll leave me alone." But, I didn't. She was one of the most self-absorbed people I've ever met. But, I have to say...I loved her shoes and purse!