This too, shall pass!

Yesterday, July 20, 2012, the home health nurse came and hooked me up to the acti-VAC. Now that was a party! Love to be in pain! It hurt quite a bit as she did it and afterward...and that was after a Percocet...which, I found out I can't take anymore. Narcotics make me sick and make my heart feel like it's pounding out of my chest. Not sure how people get hooked on pain killers if that's what it makes them feel like! I was miserable yesterday, scared and frustrated on top of just feeling all over terrible. 


Today, I'm feeling much better physically and mentally. I've decided to make the best of this, even though I feel like there's a big learning curve. I have to re-think everything since I have to have to carry this battery pack container around with me all of the time. I can unhook it to shower (which isn't really a shower because you can't get any of it wet) so, that in itself is a lot of fun just trying to get clean!


I was told "Don't lift anything heavier than a coffee cup or a glass of milk!" That... is nearly impossible. Just making a gallon of tea has become an ordeal. Boiling eggs, watering my plants, making coffee...all hard to do right now. I'm not even supposed to lift my glass lasagna pans that I use to roast chicken and veggies...just the pans are heavy...put food in them, and I'm really screwed. I've considered asking John to buy some frozen dinners that I can just pop into the microwave while I'm here by myself, but I hate eating processed foods with preservatives and chemicals. Plus, I don't want to gain any weight back while I'm stuck like this. I'm trying to stay as healthy as I can, and that means eating right...which I've done now for over two years, and how I've lost 70 pounds. That is the main way I can insure that my healing will be quicker. I'm going to try and take a short walk in our neighborhood tonight when it cools off a little. Hopefully, my joints will allow that to happen!!!


I'm still off of my RA injections...Methotrexate and Humira...it's been a month now since I've been off of them. I'm stiff, and have some pain in my right hip as of this morning, but so far...thank goodness...I'm doing very well. No flares and I'm hoping I can hold out so that the wound can heal faster! I'm going to start meditating and doing breathing exercises again today...that always helps with pain management (even if it's just a little bit) and just overall better mental mood! Stretching always makes your body feel better too. So, I've already stretched the best I can this morning. For me, getting up and moving is the best thing I can possibly do. Just sitting around when you have RA...that's the worst thing you can do! The joints have to move...that's the ONLY way my body will not lock up on me.


I want to say that I'm so very sorry about the shooting in Aurora, Colorado at the midnight showing of Batman...Dark Knight Rises. It is sickening. I hope those families and friends of the victims, both deceased and living, will be able to heal their hearts quickly and move past the sadness and devastation as soon as possible.


To my family...thank you all for being so supportive and helpful and funny during this crazy assed time! I love you all!


To my friends...you people are awesome! I love your notes, messages, cards and well wishes! Funny, smart people who make me laugh!!


To my sweet, hilarious husband...you warm my heart and make my life better by loving me and by being the most intelligent man I know who is capable of making me laugh so hard that I think I'm going to pass out! You, honey...are my rock and I love you.


This post wasn't my usual funny post, but...I'm sure the next one will be. Have some funny stories to tell!


Til then! :)

Well, shit.

Today I went to my post op appointment. The staples came out of my incision, I was told that I DO NOT HAVE TO DO ANY CHEMO OR RADIATION TREATMENTS, and all is on the mend. So, when the exam was over, the staples were gone and the steri strips all in place where the staples had been, and I was very excited to be going home!


As I leaned forward with the nurse's help to pull up my capris, I laid my hand on my abdomen for support as I was getting ready to stand...just out of habit. Then, I felt warmth all over my hand only to raise it and see that it was covered in dark brown liquid. Then, it happened. The nurse said, lay back down, I'll get help...as she said that, massive amounts of blood gushed from my wound and covered the exam table and the floor. I've never seen so much blood. It was disgusting, but even more than that, it was terrifying. I was getting ready to LEAVE when this happened. They had to use four blankets and a bunch of towels to get the floor to the point that they could walk around me to help me. Unbelievable. It was a huge wound hemotoma. He had to open about six more inches of my incision to clean out the rest of the blood clot. That was a lot of fun. Loved it. So now, I have to have a vacu pac which is a battery operated thing that sucks the tissues together and helps to heal the wound faster. I will have home health care nurses twice a day to change the packing for the next six to eight weeks. I am sooooooooo very thankful that it happened there and NOT at home. So scary.


I was very disappointed to say the least. I thought everything was going so well. I guess shit happens. John is at a DCI show in Broken Arrow, OK tonight and won't get home til about 4 or 5 in the a.m., Chele is at home with Mom helping her recover from her surgery today...which went well! And Evanne called and said she was on her way over to take care of me! I said absolutely not!! It's not like I'm bed ridden or can't do for myself...it's just another bump in the road...a bump that has really pissed me off....but it will work out in time.


So, that's it for now. I'm over it. Ready to call it a night. Love and hugs to you all, and thanks for your support through all of this bullshit! More later. :)

Post from hospital, Saturday, July 7th.

I'm typing this in gold in honor of the GGH (giant, gold hootie) John was going to take a pic for me of the GGH today, but the office was closed, so soon, people....SOON!

Good news...had a complete hysterectomy yesterday ...also, he took out my appendix and repaired an umbilical hernia. My surgeon was also able to remove ALL of the cancer since it was contained in the uterus. Nice. I've already been up and walking in the hallway, and just a few hours ago, they took me off of the i.v. that was giving me some more pain meds with a pushy button thingy (which was WONDERFUL) and now it's just straight Percocet. YUK. Makes me super woosey and just barely takes the edge off of the pain. But, that's what the anti-nausea medication is for! (Update: now that the Percocet has built up in my system, the pain is under control much better.)

They did NOT have to take any of my lymph nodes!!! YEYYY. He will do a consult with the other oncologist/surgeons next Friday, and then the decision will be made as to whether I will need to undergo chemotherapy or radiation. At this point, I'm just RELIEVED that they were able to get it all and not take my lymph nodes. I'm one lucky girl as far as that goes!! :)

I'm so stinking high right now, I'm surprised I can type! I just wanted to let friends know that I'm okay and on the road to recovery. Painful recovery, but recovery all the same. Once my hootie is healed completely, I will be a new woman!! Should feel a LOT better soon!

Here's a funny hospital story for ya. Today, (Saturday) somehow, I dropped my call button for the nurse's station. I was actually asleep when it happened, and needed to go pee right then! So, I very PAINFULLY pulled myself up out of bed and sat on the edge with my bare back end facing the door, trying not to pass out. Of course, I can't bend over right now, so I flipped the call button over with my foot and pressed it with my big toe. Now, you have to picture my lard ass in a hospital gown and at that time that was it! So, there's a knock at the door and I say "come in" thinking it was the nurse coming in to help me out. NOPE, it was my big brother Mike and my sister in law Cindy! Those two got a lot more than they bargained for on that hospital room entrance! Can you hear the music??? "Blue moon......you left me standing alone....." Sorry, M & C.... :)

Evanne, Drew and Chele spent the night with me Friday night....talk about a hoot. I was trying not to laugh cuz it hurt so badly...but that's impossible to do when you've got that many cut ups in one room! Whether it's a hospital room or not! Evanne and Drew left at about 2:00am and Chele stayed with me until 7a.m. It's wonderful to have family close by and even the ones that aren't close by are here to give moral support and then drive all the way back to Farmington...and those that are still back home in Farmington and in New Mexico are sending their love and positive vibes my way. 

Last night, Saturday...John spent the night with me. He didn't get a bit of rest-much like Chele the night before. I couldn't sleep in the bed last night, had to sleep in the recliner. The hospital bed is the MOST uncomfortable bed I've ever been in. I was miserable until they started giving me Percocet on a regular basis for the pain. I've been up walking and using the potty, so hopefully, I will be able to go home fairly soon. Ahhhhh, to be in our own bed again!! You'd think that the hospitals would try and give comfortable beds for people who are sick or having surgery. If you can't rest, then you can't heal. So...WHY in the hell are the beds and even the chairs SOOOO freakin' uncomfortable in hospital rooms?? Any answers to that one?

I can feel the RA creeping into my joints. My big hope is that I will heal quickly so that I can go back on my injections. I really don't want that pain on top of the pain from surgery. I told my nurse and John last night that I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. Not that I can think of any enemies right now! 

Okay, that's all for now. I want to thank everyone for the cards, flowers, plants and gifts! They are all beautiful and really brighten up this hospital room!! Also, I know that there have been LOTS of people pulling for me, many prayers on behalf as well as good vibrations sent across the miles! My heart is warm, folks! Thank you all!! :)

Til next time, 

Carolinn :)

Thinking about Dad

Over the last few days (since I found out about the endometrial cancer, hysterectomy, etc.) I've been thinking non-stop about lots of things. I've been remembering things that I haven't thought of in years. Some of it is funny....at least to me. So I thought I'd share some of my favorite memories.


One that jumps ahead in my mind is about my dad. Before I tell you the story, I'm going to give you some idea of what kind of a man Dad was! First of all, he was very intelligent, especially when it came to numbers and math. He could do huge calculations in his head. He worked for the St. Louis County Highway and Traffic department for many, many years as a Projects Engineer. He graduated from high school at the age of 16, he skipped ahead a couple of grades. He never attended college, but made sure that the six of us kids had the opportunity to if we wanted to do so. He worked extremely hard, loved to garden, watch and/or listen to the Cardinals play baseball, coffee and fishing. He was a Type I diabetic, he smoked like a chimney (Kool-Menthol Filter King, Prince Albert and Cigars). He was a strong, tough man and even when he was in pain, he didn't ever complain. He rode bikes with us, played basketball with us, would get us popsicles or ice cream when we were sick and always loved us no matter how much we pissed him off! Now, there were a couple of things that would really tick him off...the first one....if someone took his lighter (Jerry, my youngest brother, who is about 15 years older than me, was notoriously the one who got blamed for that!) Or, if one of us was lying. He hated that, and so does Mom. We learned at a very early age that it was MUCH better to fess up and take the punishment. But if we lied, oh boy....that was worse and more of it!


Dad cussed (because he WAS a sailor) and his favorite cuss words to say when he was frustrated or hacked was.."Well, shit, shit, shit." He had two favorite things to call people who made him mad...it was either "Peckerwood", or "Son-of-a-bitch".


Now, Dad was country...no bones about it...the man was country. Okay, so I think this happened when I was in high school...may have been college...it doesn't really matter. Mom, Chele, Evanne and probably some other siblings and I were sitting in the kitchen. I remember we were shucking corn and breaking beans out of the garden. Mom had this little lamp that was mounted to the side of the cabinet over the sink. It had stopped working so she asked Dad to take a look at it to see if he could fix it. So, we're all sitting there, talking, laughing and excited about the fresh green beans and corn on the cob and Dad, in his baseball cap, button down short sleeved shirt, baggy khaki shorts, white socks, tennis shoes and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, starts looking at the lamp and fiddling with it. We were all watching him, and of course the smoke from his cigarette was winding it's way up through the lamp shade. He messes with it for a couple of minutes, and then, in his country twang he said "I cain't figer out why it's a-smokin' !" We all immediately started laughing and saying..."Dad!! The smoke is from your cigarette!!!" He started laughing and said "Oh, well...shit!" He fixed it, we all had a good laugh, and I love that story. 


After Dad had his stroke, and couldn't work anymore, he was always looking for things to do. He had this old '49 Ford Pickup Truck. He decided one day that it needed to be painted, so he bought some dark blue house paint that he liked, and hand painted the truck. No kidding. He painted that entire truck by hand. You could see the brush strokes in it. Michele and I drove that truck...for part of the time when we were in college and while I was student teaching...and I have to say, it ran really well! Never gave us any problems. I loved that truck because my Dad loved it, and I loved him.


I've been thinking a lot about Dad recently. My oldest brother, Bob, who is Dad's namesake, turned 63 on June 30th. My dad passed away at the age of 64 from liver cancer. I now know that my cancer isn't even a 16th as bad as his was by the time they found it, but it still made me think. He was so brave. We found out that he had liver cancer on December 21st, and there was nothing they could do for him. On February 8th, the day before my 25th birthday, he passed away. So about 49 days is all we had with him from the time we found out he had cancer. He was in so much pain, and he NEVER complained or said a cross word. That amazed me, and stuck with me. On my 25th birthday, my middle brother, Mike, and one of my other siblings...maybe Evanne and I went to pick out Dad's casket and meet with the funeral home people. It was my first year teaching, and I was devastated. But, with time, that grief has lessened. It's been 20 years since he passed, and I can still hear his laugh...sounded like Heathcliff when he was tickled. :)


It just occured to me that I may have already written about these two stories in a post from a couple of years ago. But, that's okay, because this blog is about me working through my emotions and dealing with all of this shit that has been thrown at us over the past few years. So, if I've repeated stories, it's okay. And, I'm sure Dad is enjoying it. I'm just assuming that he's right here with me, and patting me on the shoulder saying "It's going to be fine, doll."