Just found out late last night that a college friend of ours passed away. I feel so badly for his wife and two daughters.
I'm feeling a bit strange about it all....I had already been thinking about my own mortality and what my "mark on life" was going to be. I always thought I was destined to do great things and be someone who made big, positive differences in the world. And even though I know I've touched a lot of kiddos through teaching music and have made some differences for them, I feel like...somehow...I've missed the boat.
At one time, my goal was to be one of the best choir directors in Missouri. I thought I'd take groups to MMEA, ACDA...the whole enchilada. But, life happens, things change, goals shift and dreams fade. There is this thing called destiny and I think that destiny decided to kick my ass. So, being who I am, I keep getting back up, pushing forward and trying to put destiny aside so that I can make a comfortable, loving home for John and myself while maintaining some semblance of the life I WANTED and thought I was going to have.
We get so caught up in the everyday bull of working, paying bills (or not paying as the case may be) making dinner, taking care of others - kids, parents, grandparents and we forget that life is supposed to be enjoyed. Living is not about racing around working 12-16 hour days and trying to make it on time to appointments and meetings and then going to bed only to NOT be able to sleep and then get up and do it all again.
I resent a lot of things that have happened to us, and I regret a lot of things that I haven't done.....or said......I guess I'm just trying to work out my own frustrations and in doing so, have become a little negative. I've NEVER been a negative person, but right now, I'm having a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel...oh, wait....there is a light...uuhhh ooohhhh....the light is on the front of a freight train and it's heading right for me! See what I mean??? I'm being negative and I don't like it...but those are the kinds of things that keep popping into my head.
So, today I will consciously make the effort to see the silver lining, look for the positive and be proactive in making our lives better and my mind and soul happier. Hearing last night that our friend Patrick Johnston passed away...made me all the more certain that I have to change. I can't go on sitting on the fringes of life watching it "happen". There is too much to be done and too many people to love to just sit and stew about opportunities missed and regret things that have happened or not happened to us or for us.
Right now, I'm going to take my Humira and Methotrexate injections, take out the trash, and meditate so that I can clear my mind and find some positive energy for the day. I sincerely hope that all of my friends who read this have a wonderful day and weekend and ENJOY life...at least do your best to do so.
Patrick, I don't know about the afterlife, not sure what I believe anymore...don't have a clue if you can hear or see or somehow know how many people love and will miss you. But, we all hope that you are in a better place...one free of pain and struggles. No matter what, you have left a positive mark on life and that is all that really matters in the end. Smiles and laughter to you, Pat.
I'm feeling a bit strange about it all....I had already been thinking about my own mortality and what my "mark on life" was going to be. I always thought I was destined to do great things and be someone who made big, positive differences in the world. And even though I know I've touched a lot of kiddos through teaching music and have made some differences for them, I feel like...somehow...I've missed the boat.
At one time, my goal was to be one of the best choir directors in Missouri. I thought I'd take groups to MMEA, ACDA...the whole enchilada. But, life happens, things change, goals shift and dreams fade. There is this thing called destiny and I think that destiny decided to kick my ass. So, being who I am, I keep getting back up, pushing forward and trying to put destiny aside so that I can make a comfortable, loving home for John and myself while maintaining some semblance of the life I WANTED and thought I was going to have.
We get so caught up in the everyday bull of working, paying bills (or not paying as the case may be) making dinner, taking care of others - kids, parents, grandparents and we forget that life is supposed to be enjoyed. Living is not about racing around working 12-16 hour days and trying to make it on time to appointments and meetings and then going to bed only to NOT be able to sleep and then get up and do it all again.
I resent a lot of things that have happened to us, and I regret a lot of things that I haven't done.....or said......I guess I'm just trying to work out my own frustrations and in doing so, have become a little negative. I've NEVER been a negative person, but right now, I'm having a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel...oh, wait....there is a light...uuhhh ooohhhh....the light is on the front of a freight train and it's heading right for me! See what I mean??? I'm being negative and I don't like it...but those are the kinds of things that keep popping into my head.
So, today I will consciously make the effort to see the silver lining, look for the positive and be proactive in making our lives better and my mind and soul happier. Hearing last night that our friend Patrick Johnston passed away...made me all the more certain that I have to change. I can't go on sitting on the fringes of life watching it "happen". There is too much to be done and too many people to love to just sit and stew about opportunities missed and regret things that have happened or not happened to us or for us.
Right now, I'm going to take my Humira and Methotrexate injections, take out the trash, and meditate so that I can clear my mind and find some positive energy for the day. I sincerely hope that all of my friends who read this have a wonderful day and weekend and ENJOY life...at least do your best to do so.
Patrick, I don't know about the afterlife, not sure what I believe anymore...don't have a clue if you can hear or see or somehow know how many people love and will miss you. But, we all hope that you are in a better place...one free of pain and struggles. No matter what, you have left a positive mark on life and that is all that really matters in the end. Smiles and laughter to you, Pat.
Powerful post. Meditating near the trash can makes it easier to discard the useless noise in our minds that keeps us from hearing Truth. Could be smelly though . ;)
ReplyDeleteAs we tread water in middle age, i think we're all consumed with mortality; it's certainly way more prevalent in our lives now than when we were 22. but here's the conclusion i'm reaching. like you, i thought i was going to set the world on fire. do big big stuff. but the older i get, the more i realize that we are not what we do, but who we intrinsically are. i'm also struggling with faith, but i keep thinking about what G-d said to Moses, when Moses asked who He was: I Am That I Am. And since we were created in G-d's image, I (also) Am That I Am. Not defined by who I am or what I say or what I or others think about me. I am more than those things. Essence. And incredibly worthy and valuable. You are, too. Just because you are Carolinn.
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