I've been feeling badly for about a week and a half now. Thought it was just a stomach bug when it started, but it has been on and off....mostly on for the better part of 10 days now. My energy level is way down, my stomach cramps, and all that goes with that... and I feel like crud. Oh yeah, and as of last night, my right shoulder is telling me that I'm probably getting ready for another RA flare. I can barely drag myself out of bed these last couple of days. I haven't felt this bad in over a year...and then I think, this is how I felt...energy wise for the last 9 years that I taught with the RA. This last year of being at home has helped me so much health wise, that I'd gotten a lot of energy back...and now I'm reminded of how miserable I really was...am right now. If I'm not better tomorrow, I'll have to call one of my doctors and figure out what is going on, because something definitely is. It could just be that my disease is active again, afterall, I did have a bad flare over 5 days that took Prednisone to get under control. That was 2 and a half months ago, so I'm probably in for a bad couple of months more...if it works the way it usually does for me. Anyway, no funny remarks, no funny stories, no profound thoughts today. I'm just glad Camille's nap time is soon so that I can lay down with her. Her cuddles, hugs and kisses always make me feel better, at least mentally!
Carolinn & John- July 2013
Meeting up with Michelle & Mark Hedges
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
Life and Death.
Just found out late last night that a college friend of ours passed away. I feel so badly for his wife and two daughters.
I'm feeling a bit strange about it all....I had already been thinking about my own mortality and what my "mark on life" was going to be. I always thought I was destined to do great things and be someone who made big, positive differences in the world. And even though I know I've touched a lot of kiddos through teaching music and have made some differences for them, I feel like...somehow...I've missed the boat.
At one time, my goal was to be one of the best choir directors in Missouri. I thought I'd take groups to MMEA, ACDA...the whole enchilada. But, life happens, things change, goals shift and dreams fade. There is this thing called destiny and I think that destiny decided to kick my ass. So, being who I am, I keep getting back up, pushing forward and trying to put destiny aside so that I can make a comfortable, loving home for John and myself while maintaining some semblance of the life I WANTED and thought I was going to have.
We get so caught up in the everyday bull of working, paying bills (or not paying as the case may be) making dinner, taking care of others - kids, parents, grandparents and we forget that life is supposed to be enjoyed. Living is not about racing around working 12-16 hour days and trying to make it on time to appointments and meetings and then going to bed only to NOT be able to sleep and then get up and do it all again.
I resent a lot of things that have happened to us, and I regret a lot of things that I haven't done.....or said......I guess I'm just trying to work out my own frustrations and in doing so, have become a little negative. I've NEVER been a negative person, but right now, I'm having a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel...oh, wait....there is a light...uuhhh ooohhhh....the light is on the front of a freight train and it's heading right for me! See what I mean??? I'm being negative and I don't like it...but those are the kinds of things that keep popping into my head.
So, today I will consciously make the effort to see the silver lining, look for the positive and be proactive in making our lives better and my mind and soul happier. Hearing last night that our friend Patrick Johnston passed away...made me all the more certain that I have to change. I can't go on sitting on the fringes of life watching it "happen". There is too much to be done and too many people to love to just sit and stew about opportunities missed and regret things that have happened or not happened to us or for us.
Right now, I'm going to take my Humira and Methotrexate injections, take out the trash, and meditate so that I can clear my mind and find some positive energy for the day. I sincerely hope that all of my friends who read this have a wonderful day and weekend and ENJOY life...at least do your best to do so.
Patrick, I don't know about the afterlife, not sure what I believe anymore...don't have a clue if you can hear or see or somehow know how many people love and will miss you. But, we all hope that you are in a better place...one free of pain and struggles. No matter what, you have left a positive mark on life and that is all that really matters in the end. Smiles and laughter to you, Pat.
I'm feeling a bit strange about it all....I had already been thinking about my own mortality and what my "mark on life" was going to be. I always thought I was destined to do great things and be someone who made big, positive differences in the world. And even though I know I've touched a lot of kiddos through teaching music and have made some differences for them, I feel like...somehow...I've missed the boat.
At one time, my goal was to be one of the best choir directors in Missouri. I thought I'd take groups to MMEA, ACDA...the whole enchilada. But, life happens, things change, goals shift and dreams fade. There is this thing called destiny and I think that destiny decided to kick my ass. So, being who I am, I keep getting back up, pushing forward and trying to put destiny aside so that I can make a comfortable, loving home for John and myself while maintaining some semblance of the life I WANTED and thought I was going to have.
We get so caught up in the everyday bull of working, paying bills (or not paying as the case may be) making dinner, taking care of others - kids, parents, grandparents and we forget that life is supposed to be enjoyed. Living is not about racing around working 12-16 hour days and trying to make it on time to appointments and meetings and then going to bed only to NOT be able to sleep and then get up and do it all again.
I resent a lot of things that have happened to us, and I regret a lot of things that I haven't done.....or said......I guess I'm just trying to work out my own frustrations and in doing so, have become a little negative. I've NEVER been a negative person, but right now, I'm having a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel...oh, wait....there is a light...uuhhh ooohhhh....the light is on the front of a freight train and it's heading right for me! See what I mean??? I'm being negative and I don't like it...but those are the kinds of things that keep popping into my head.
So, today I will consciously make the effort to see the silver lining, look for the positive and be proactive in making our lives better and my mind and soul happier. Hearing last night that our friend Patrick Johnston passed away...made me all the more certain that I have to change. I can't go on sitting on the fringes of life watching it "happen". There is too much to be done and too many people to love to just sit and stew about opportunities missed and regret things that have happened or not happened to us or for us.
Right now, I'm going to take my Humira and Methotrexate injections, take out the trash, and meditate so that I can clear my mind and find some positive energy for the day. I sincerely hope that all of my friends who read this have a wonderful day and weekend and ENJOY life...at least do your best to do so.
Patrick, I don't know about the afterlife, not sure what I believe anymore...don't have a clue if you can hear or see or somehow know how many people love and will miss you. But, we all hope that you are in a better place...one free of pain and struggles. No matter what, you have left a positive mark on life and that is all that really matters in the end. Smiles and laughter to you, Pat.
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