Family...the good and the bad.

This is when I think about the fact that we don't have children. I sometimes wonder what kind of parents we would have been. I think I know, but then again...you never really know about people's parenting skills until they have them. I know what I wouldn't do...I saw it every day for the 17 years that I've taught. I saw the great parents too, and I admired them for what they were and are able to accomplish with their children.

Which brings me to my mom. She is a wonderful person who still makes things better for me when I'm bumming or just need to talk. She's smart, compassionate and had the patience of Job when we were growing up. Dad worked long days in St. Louis, not to mention the drive, to support us and Mom took care of EVERYTHING else. I have to say that we've always had a special connection and I can't put into words in this silly blog what I truly feel for and about her. She's always been my guide, guardian and the little voice in my head that would say "Carolinn Jane, you better rethink this one." When I see her after not seeing her for a couple of months, I immediately get this rush of warmth and security that floods my mind and body. She's my inspiration to be a better person, a thoughtful person, a loving, caring person. This Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for my mom and all that she has taught me about being a worthwhile human being. Now, can I follow her lead at this time when I'm feeling so crappy about things? Can I let her positive influence cancel out the bullshit I've been hit with this morning? We'll see just how good of a person I truly am. In the singing voice of my Mom, "Straighten up and fly right!" Mom's 82 years old and the wisest, sweetest person I've ever known. I love you, Mom.

To add, or not to add. That is the Facebook question.

Friendship. There are so many levels of friendship and John and I have talked about this a few times. With Facebook being what it is, I've connected with people from high school, college and even elementary school teachers that I had. It really is nice to catch up with people. It's nice to hear good things that they say about you. It's fun to crack jokes and see old pictures and videos. It's not so fun when someone you really don't like stalks you though. Or someone you kinda like wants to be your friend... so because you don't want to be rude, you befriend them and then they are constantly wanting to chat or sending you messages...and you don't really even know or like them! This brings me to my point...Travis Laws posted a link to Jimmy Kimmel's National Unfriend Day. It's funny. It's also so true about FB "friends". Now, I'm not one to just add people that I don't remember, don't know or don't like. But there's that middle ground...the area where you feel like you have to add them because it would be rude not to when they request it, or it's someone that remembers you from school, but you don't remember them, or a spouse of one of your old friends that you don't know but feel like you have to add...it goes on and on! Some of you Facebookers handle it by adding everyone so that you don't offend them, and then when you're on FB, you click the "offline" button in chat so that they can't bother you...I've done that before...but I feel like I shouldn't have to. People need to learn FB etiquette. I'm drawing a line in the facebook sand...here it is: 
#1.If you have a friend who is truly a GREAT friend of  yours...someone that you are CLOSE to, go out with, hang with, talk to on the phone, add them.
#2.If you have a friend who is an OLD friend...truly an old friend from school whether it be elementary or college, this person was someone you spent time with, trusted, loved and shared with, add them.
#3.If you have a person who you haven't spoken to in years, but would like to know about them, what they've been up to, their family, etc. add them.
#4.If a person requests that you add them and you can't remember them until after you've checked them out then you decide...do I really want to re-connect with this person...if so, add them. If not, and you're just doing it to be nice...don't add them.
#5.If someone you couldn't stand in school, was an ass, or a complete dipshit wants to be your friend, check it out before you "don't add them." They might be nice now...they might be rich and want to take you on their yacht...hell, anything can happen, but if you don't care that they have changed and you want to hang on to those old feelings, then, don't add them.
#6.This is a tricky one. If you have an old flame of whom your spouse or significant other is not aware, adding them depends on two things. First, how hot the relationship was. Is this really something you want to have to talk to your spouse or s.o. about? Second, if you are comfortable talking to your spouse or s.o. about it, that's fine...that's how YOU feel...but, think about your spouse or s.o's feelings...do THEY really want to know? John and I know everything there is to know about each other's past relationships...almost too much, I'd say...so it "ain't no thang" for us, but some of my friends...whew! Make the decision, then add them or don't add them. Whatever you can handle!!!
#7.The loser-bully-idiot. This is the person, whether you've known them a long time or just met them, that you really don't like but you have to be around them because of work or school or church...this is the person who makes you the butt of the joke or spouts off about politics and/or religion when it's inappropriate to do so, or takes advantage of people...you get the idea. I say...just because you have to be around them doesn't mean that you have to friend them. Usually this person is so rude that if and when they do notice that you haven't answered their friend request you can just say "I only add family and closest friends." Even if they know you don't, you've been polite about it, much more so then they have and you're off the hook. DON'T ADD THIS PERSON!
#8.If YOU are the person that was or is an ass...don't bother people. You've chosen to be that way, so don't be surprised or offended when people say "get real" to you. Basically, become a nicer person who cares about people, prove yourself as a worthwhile human being, THEN and only then may you ask to be someone's friend on FB. Until then, get off my page. 
Postscript: John has developed a technique that we call "Facebook Ninja." He logs on to see if there are any messages or friends requests and if there aren't and he doesn't have any to send himself...he logs off. Wham...just like that...in the blink of an eye, there's a man all dressed in black with silver stars flying through the FB posts and then he's gone. That was Facebook Ninja John. He's perfected it so that he doesn't have to talk to people if he doesn't want to. It's really funny...he does look good in the black ninja outfit, though.

Today I am starting the process of teaching myself how to play guitar. Why not? I've got the guitar, I've got the time and I know everything there is to know about music theory and I can take free lessons online. I play piano, horn, a little trumpet and know HOW to play all of the other instruments...but the one that has always scared me off...is no longer so scary! I'm going to learn how to play guitar...what the hell am I thinking???

Smell My World.

Have you ever smelled melted butter when it hits graham cracker crumbs? How about the smell of a child that you love when they get out of the bathtub and you're towel drying their hair? The smell of Wrigley's spearmint gum reminds me of my mom...she chewed it when we were kids and that combined with the smell of her hairspray gives me a sense of security and love that I can't even put into words. The smell of watermelon Jolly Ranchers and Coconut takes me back to the old swimming pool in Farmington where we spent nearly every day of the summer during our early teenage years. The wafting of stale beer through the air puts me in Steve's green Toyota which automatically makes me hear AC DC in my head. When I smell campfire wood burning, every good feeling that I've ever had about spending time with my Mom, sisters and nieces comes flooding back in waves of happiness. Those summer camping trips are absolutely among the very best parts of my life! Have you ever smelled your significant other? I mean...really breathed in their scent? It's not something you can describe, but it is a scent that wraps itself around you and lingers to let you know that you are loved. When I smell cinnamon, I think holidays. When I smell rain, I think of playing with Michele as little girls, running around in our underwear and t-shirts with big, bright smiles on our faces as the rain soaked our curly hair. The scent of an instrument case puts me in my high school band room and every other band room I've taught in since then! Those are very fond memories. Not so fondly, anytime I'm in a hospital, inevitably I run into the odor of cancer. Once you've smelled it, you'll never forget it. This smell-memory of my Dad's death was and is a painful reminder of my first year of teaching when he got sick and passed. Not so nice, but then life isn't all about niceness, now is it? Back to the good ones...vanilla wafers remind me of Grandma Dunn. She kept them in the bottom drawer of her brown metal cabinet in her kitchen. Just where we could reach them. Vanilla wafers and denture cleaners...that's grandma's smells for me. Dad smelled like Juicy Fruit, cigarettes and coffee. I miss him. Cigars and car engines remind me of my brothers. Always smoking cigars and always working on an engine of some kind. Liz Claiborne is the perfume that I wear. I've worn it since I was 16 when the other Steve gave it to me for Christmas one year. I loved it so much, it became my signature scent. Rubbing alcohol has a distinct odor that puts me on Monday nights taking my injections. Whenever I smell Kentucky Fried Chicken, it reminds me of my sister who worked there while she was in college. It hung in her uniform long after it had been washed! Popcorn popping always puts me in a movie theater, just like it does everyone else, I'm sure. That warm, salty, buttery scent is really overwhelming. I wonder what kinds of scent memories are still to come in my life...hopefully the rest of them will all be happy smells. That's just it...SCENTS are happy,SMELLS can be happy or acceptable and ODORS offend our ofactory sense. Never really thought about it that way before now. Not that it matters...except to my nose.

Bill Maher.

I really like Bill Maher, but tonight he had on Nora Ephron, Michael Moore and I can't even remember the others...but, they were talking about George Bush's new book and the fact that Barbara Bush miscarried a child and when she went to the hospital she took the fetus with her to show the doctors...I mean...if I were in that position...I guess I would too??? I haven't read the book yet, but I'm assuming that calling an ambulance wasn't an option.? Anyway, as they were winding up that discussion, he said "I'm just wondering when they are going to run it for president." I couldn't believe it. It just struck me as such a horrible, tacky, mean thing to say. I mean really, that is much worse than the usual banter and sarcastic dialogue that usually takes place.

Saxes, Bones, Trumpets & Rhythm, OH MY!

I went to John's Jazz Band rehearsal last night to help out the piano player. Of course, they were working on Christmas music and with that came the feeling of I need to decorate for Christmas! Traditionally, we always decorate the day after Thanksgiving. Well, I do. John hates doing that stuff. So, he carries in the boxes for me, and I decorate the tree and such. 

Back to Jazz Band for a second. Wow. I can't believe what a great sound his band has. They have a rich, warm sound that I love. His RS kids are great kids and they are really good musicians and players. I'm very impressed with them and I'm very happy for John. He and Heather make a great team. She's young and energetic and has her entire career to look forward to. I believe that there are GREAT things in store for that band program. I hope they all realize how good they've got it! I know John does. Time to put on some music and do laundry. Happy Friday.

Creativeness.

We all have a creative streak...all of us. However, some people have "tapped" into theirs more than others...
Today, I'm choosing to exercise my creative ability by baking...something semi-homemade...thank you Sandra Lee.

One of those...Years.

Since this is my first Blog, I thought it would be appropriate to lay myself out there and really be honest. And, honestly, I'm scared and confused...about a lot of things! My entire life has been about music...teaching it, performing it, judging it...and now...it's not. After 17 years of public school music education, I've had to stop working to take better care of myself and to get control of a disease that tries to rob me of everything I've always taken for granted. You know, the good things in life like, oh I don't know, walking. Yeah, walking...walking up and down a hill or up and down stairs, or even just walking through a grocery store or a mall. Or taking a nature walk with my husband. Right now, my life revolves around where I walk, how far is it and can I make it or not.

In 2002-2003, my life drastically changed. I was teaching jr. high and high school choir and assisting with high school band in Texas. I LOVED my job, my kiddos, and my co-workers. Things were going very well for my husband and myself. Then, one morning, I  woke up and couldn't walk. There had been previous symptoms during the few months prior to this particular morning, but I didn't connect the dots, AND neither did any of my doctors. My chiropractor, my primary care physician, the orthopedic surgeon and the rheumatologist were all perplexed. Well, they wouldn't have been had someone actually DONE THE BLOODWORK. This went on for 1 and a half years, which allowed the disease to progress rapidly. After MANY months of pain, tears, frustration and a wonderful husband who stayed by my side through some really awful, humiliating stuff, we found out that I had Rheumatoid Arthritis. Me...a healthy, happy, strong, independent 35 year old. My world changed, and fast. No time to prepare, no time to cope or deal. You just wake up and try to get through the next hour. That is if you slept at all.

This paragraph is for those of you who suffer in moderate to severe pain on a daily basis. Let's all close our eyes and pretend like we are holding in our hands a huge baseball bat...however, it isn't heavy in our aching hands and arms...but it still carries an incredible blow! Now picture that pain is this big, black blob of crap that moves slowly...now take your big bat and beat the living hell out of it. Keep hitting until you beat it into submission! If only it were that easy, huh? I hate being in pain. Stupid statement, I know. Everyone does. But, it's more then just the physical pain...it takes it's toll emotionally too. My brain is tired of being positive and thinking it will be better. I just want it TO BE BETTER AUTOMATICALLY! 

Back to my original thoughts about being scared and confused...I'm 43 years old. Thanks to my wonderful husband who is working his ass off so that I don't have to right now, I'm able to take some control back and do healthier things for both of us. However, I can't stop thinking about what happens at the end of this school year, or the next one. I really don't think that I can go back to teaching and live a healthy life. Being a music teacher means many after school practices, late nights, and weekends. Not just during "a season" like basketball or football, but all year long. Our season never stops, the music just changes. I loved it while I was doing it, but the last two years just about did me in. I could not keep up physically, which affected my mental ability which did not allow me to be the incredible teacher I'd always worked so hard to be for the music kiddos throughout the years. That's not being conceited. I worked my ass off to make a difference in my student's lives. I'm proud of that and I'm not about to mince words about it now. 

So, now comes the part where I ask myself, "What now?" And, since I don't have the answer to that yet,  I'm asking friends, readers and whoever sees this, to chime in if you so choose. If not, I hope you didn't waste your time. By the way, I really wanted to call this Blog "Everything's Relative" but it was already taken. But, it really is ...all relative. Many of you out there who are a lot worse off then I am are reading this and saying  "suck it up." or "get a grip." and I'm saying...I'm trying.