Grief is Love with Nowhere to Go...
September 19-20, 2025 was our 40th Class Reunion for the class of Farmington Senior High School, 1985. We hugged friends we hadn't seen in 40 years, had a drink and dinner with those we'd kept in touch with, and laughed with those that attended elementary school together at the crazy things we had done as kids, as well as missed the old friends that couldn't make it.
It was wonderful! So much fun to see everyone's smiles and feel that special warmth of hugs that only old friendships can generate.
As I stood on the courthouse lawn, looking around and hearing the blues being played in the background, (our reunion coincided with the Farmington Blues, Brews and BBQ Festival) all I could think of was how lucky I have been to be raised in such an encouraging, loving and friendly place with such fantastic teachers, many now, who have become our friends as we've aged. Seeing some of those former teachers there was heart-warming!
As I was driving back to Nixa on Sunday, I received a message that Don Vieth, our former high school choir director, my private voice teacher, mentor, encourager, former colleague and family friend had passed away Friday night, Sept 19th. I pulled over to let that overwhelming, shocking grief wash over me and Let Go and Let God so that I could continue the 3.5 hour drive home.
Initially, I thought...how could we be so happy, excited to see old friends, laughing and loving and being on such a high just yesterday, when he had passed Friday night? Because, in my mind, we were being protected from that grief, so that our reunion would still be a wonderful memory. Let Go and Let God.
Saturday, Oct 11th, was the Celebration of Life for Mr. Vietha. Yes, Mr. Vietha, with the "a" at the end, was intentional! Tell that story in a minute. We were able to have people who loved him, family members, alumni, friends, etc. join the Central Presbyterian Chancel Choir and we lifted our voices in song. We sang Set Me As A Seal by Rene Clausen. As I looked up at the faces in front of me, I knew Mr. Vietha was somewhere in the tenor section singing his heart out with us with that velvety, gorgeous sound of his. I was blessed to be able to conduct that group, FOR him, WITH him and BECAUSE of him. Before the service, Scott Vieth and I were hugging and crying in our love for our friendship and our incredible loss. I told him, Scott, we have to stop hugging, because I have to look at this as a performance, and then I can lose my shit later. He laughed and we were able to calm ourselves.
I personally have had so many losses in the last few years. People I adored and from so many different times of my life. Mom, Chuck Pound, Sue Bauche, Elaine Hand, Sarah Cassidy, Don Sowers, and now Mr. Vietha. It's difficult for me to get my mind around the sadness. I'm a very emotional person anyway. But grieving, so much grieving, sometimes makes me feel like I'm suffocating. My heart literally aches.
Not sure where I read this definition of grief - "Grief is love with nowhere to go." But, it certainly speaks to my heart.
Now for the Mr. Vietha story. In high school, I took private voice lessons from Mr. Vietha. One day, as I was walking into the choir room after school for a lesson, this sweet girl I hadn't met before was walking out. As I opened the door and she was pushing it, she smiled at me and said "Are you Mr. Vietha's daughter? I guess she thought that because I spent so much of my time in that special place - the choir room. Before I could answer her, Mr. Vietha said, "No, she's not, but she could be!" That has stuck with me all these decades. He had no idea how much that positively affected me. From then on, in my family, he was known as "Mr. Vietha"! He, Nina, Melanie and Scott lived on the street two behind my family. Lauren Limbaugh Pelaez would pick up Scott and me in her old Rambler and we'd run around town without a care in the world. Ahhhhh, youth! It's wasted on the young!! Those bonds are forever, for the three of us. We pick up right where we left off 45 plus years ago. All of those memories are wrapped up into one BIG memory for me, which is why they are all in the same paragraph, just in case you were wondering!
A few years ago, I, with some college friends, organized a couple of Southeast Missouri State University Alumni Choirs. Mr. Vietha sang as well as Nina in them.
At one of them, I heard that Nina had passed away a couple of days before it. Mr. Vietha and she were both registered to sing. As I was checking people in, I never expected Mr. Vietha to attend. He and Ron Nall walked in, Mr. Vietha made a beeline for me and we just held each other and wept in a hug that I'll never forget, or experience again. His love for Nina was the kind of love that everyone should be lucky enough to have in their lives. Wow. Just incredible. One time, during high school choir rehearsal, we were singing a piece about love. He started talking about Nina and explained to us that during their college days, when they were dating, he would stand close to her and take in the scent of the fur on the hood of her coat, because it smelled like her perfume. He beamed as he told us that and related it to the love we were trying to portray with our voices...that kind of love that makes you happy, excited and nauseous all at the same time! There's nothing else emotionally like it in the world.
At that SEMO Alumni Choir Reunion, I kept looking over at Mr. Vietha and thinking "How is he doing this? How is he singing without breaking down?" At the first rehearsal break, I walked over to him and said, are you doing okay? Can I do anything for you?" He put his arm around me and said "I let the tears come when they want to. But, God's got this." His faith is an inspiration to me. always has been, always will be. Now that he's with Nina- which I'm certain he is rejoicing with her and sniffing the fur on her coat hood with that infectious smile of his, I can take some comfort in knowing he's with her.
During Melanie's beautiful tribute to her dad on Saturday, she gave us all the closure we had been needing. At one point, she was describing all of his attributes and telling us stories about him. She said, "He wasn't perfect..." I thought, in my eyes and heart, he was!
I want to thank Scott and Melanie for sharing him with me. His influence in my life had just as much to do with forming me as my parents did. Thank you two. Thank you with all of my grieving heart.
Aging is fun, awful, scary, exciting, hard, easy, sad, happy and a million other descriptors I could list. We learn about aging when we're young. The physical things that happen to our bodies-as we watch our grandparents, parents, etc age. However, nothing is ever mentioned about the emotional aspects of losing the people we love and how that affects our mental well-being. I'm doing my best to traverse "this impossible to prepare for time in my life"...I'm trying to Let Go and Let God, but being the control freak that I am, it's a very difficult task for me. But, I know that's what Mr. Vietha did, and I will do it, because he'd expect me to. I'll "let the tears come when they want to, but, God's got this." In the words of my friend, Alan Branson, "This is not goodbye, I'll say, See ya later."
Half a box of tissues later, I can end this writing knowing that if I "Let Go and Let God", I'll get through these later years of my life and the emotions that will undoubtedly accompany them.
Special thanks to these wonderful people in my life: John, Steve and Carol Arnett, Teresa and Bob Heifner, Steve and Mandy Fowler, Michele and Daron Nall, Kendrick, Camille, Evanne & Bruce Hartenberger, Drew, Page and families, Mike n Cindy Sullivan and family, Jerry & Rhonda Sullivan, Andi, Jeremy and families, Bob n Becky Sullivan, Lauren & Julio Pelaez, Julie Ross Powers, Scott Vieth, Melanie Vieth Braun, Andrew Colyer, Jackie & Gary Pinkston, Steve and Sarah Slinkard, Bruce and Clara Slinkard, Jim and Michelle Berger, Chris & Sarah Sacco, Rick and Beth Castens, Kyle Vesely, Kristie Weidmann, Bethanie & Derek Ward, Kim, Rick and Jonah Ward, Travis & Tammy Laws, Lynne Steinkamp, Tina and Scott Rybolt, Rhonda Friend, Babs Merchant, Amy, Natasha, Melody, Aughty, Jen and the rest of the ladies and crew from the BeYOUtiful Place, and so many others. I'm lucky in love and friendships!
