As I mentally prep myself for my three month oncology appointment on Monday, I'm a little apprehensive about what might happen. Three months ago, I go be-bopping in there feeling all positive and happy to be cancer free...which is awesome and for which I'm very grateful and hopefully, will be this time too!
However, during my last exam, my doc says something to me which seems so very wrong on sooo many levels...let me try and quote him as accurately as possible.
"Okay, uhhh... we've got a little problem here." Me-"What's the problem?" Dr. C. "Well, you didn't heal completely from the surgery and there's tissue that has formed over the opening that didn't completely close. I'm going to have to shave that off and then because it's so moist inside, I'll have to burn it so that it will scab over and heal." Me...listening... laying there, spread eagle..."So, when will we have to schedule this?" Dr. C..."Oh, I'm going to do it right now...okay, I've just put a CAMERA up in you so that you can watch up here on the screen." My head is whirling about now, my mind has focused on "shave it, burn it, camera up in you" Oh, hells yeah...sounds like a party! All I need now is a tube top, a cigarette, a canned beer and some bad teeth and the entire party would be complete.
So, I'm watching the television screen above me which is a live shot of my hootie-okay, kinda cool...until... he takes this stick thingy and is moving the flap of tissue back and forth showing me the opening that is NOT supposed to be there. Then I hear him say to the nurse..."you better get me 4 cans of nitro-whatever blahblahblahblah..." My mind is thinking "Oh, holy shit...here we go again." Dr. C. says to me as I look AWAY from the screen because the feeling of him flipping that piece of tissue around like it was a light switch on a wall of a frequently used restroom, at the same time I was watching it on the screen, was freaking me out. Sensory OVERLOAD...Danger!!! Danger!!! Stop flipping that around, please....PLEASE! Put...the...stick...thingy...down,...SIR, or I will crush your highly trained surgeon's arms and hands with my cellulite laden thighs!
Dr. C. says to me "Now, most women don't feel this at all." As he suddenly starts "shaving, burning, videotaping"...Really?? Oh, okay....Okay.......OKAYYYY....You're a freaking liar! OR those women are...doesn't matter because right now, my hootie could double as a dragon's breath. I don't know if he actually "video taped" the procedure, because I couldn't watch. I was too busy squeezing my eyes shut and trying not to call him a plethora of horrible but accurate names that I learned from my Dad, the sailor.
For the next two days, my crotch felt like someone had taken a blowtorch to it as if they were finishing off a creme brulee. "Most women don't feel this at all." My ass, they don't. Actually, my hootie, they don't.
We've been enjoying a "STAYCATION" this week with some friends. We're staying at home and driving into Branson and using vouchers and tickets to shows, Silver Dollar City, etc. that we've all collected over the last year from various people and haven't had a chance to use yet! Very fun, and get to sleep in our own beds!
So, yesterday afternoon we went to "The New Shanghai Circus" and it was awesome. Last night, we had tickets to the "Kirby Van Burch Magic Show". Uhhh....the only magic going on in that place was whatever the force was that was keeping him upright and keeping some audience member in close proximity from bitch slapping him. He kept tripping and stumbling, they had "technical difficulties" two times during the show that completely shut it down for a good 20 minutes each time and we NEVER got to see the big tiger. You could hear the trap doors closing as they were jumping into them, you could see the pockets in the "magic handkerchiefs"...sheeeze, I know the tickets were free and all, but there were people who PAID and they were getting the same "magic" that we were...unfortunate for them.
Friends, if you've ever seen ol' Kirby's photos on his advertisements, he looks about 25. In real life, he's about 60 and has bad hair. Those photos are either from 35 years ago, or someone is REALLY good with Photoshop. Actually, we thought he might be sick or something. After researching him- after we got home, we found out that he has been in trouble for tax evasion, and even worse...animal neglect/abuse...unbelievable. Maybe he's a really nice guy and just had some unfortunate things happen. Maybe. Or maybe he's a douchebag. Actually, at one point in his life, he was a FANTASTIC magician in Las Vegas. He won many awards and had a huge following. Key word...HAD. My advice is- if you are going to visit Branson-don't waste your money or time on his show. I hope he gets better...no matter what the problem was last night. Especially after finding out how awesome he used to be. Technical difficulties, no kidding.
Tonight it looks like we're in for another long night of severe storms, tennis ball sized hail-or as I said earlier by mistake -tennis sized ball hail .- and tornadoes. Which means, no sleep and a lot of nervous energy. I freakin' despise tornadoes. I've been in three...one was too many. I can only hope that no one gets hit by a Joplin or Moore type tornado tonight.
I'm glad to see that they've finally found a correlation between hotflashes and memory loss. All they had to do was call me, I could have given them all the info they needed...right after I changed my clothes from sweating and remembered where I had put the phone. I could have told them all about the connection between hotflashes and memory loss while I was mopping my brow, standing in the refrigerator door while fanning myself waiting for the air conditioning to kick on that I just moved down to the "Antarctic" line on the thermostat and looking for my keys or purse or pin or ass or kitchen or bed or car, etc. Anyone have a moist towelette??
I'd like to give Chris Sacco credit for the "Hootie and the Blowtorch" title...he asked me if I'd been blogging lately...I answered no. He said "you could tell the story about your last appt. and call it Hootie and the Blowtorch!!" Cracked me up, hence this blogpost! :)
However, during my last exam, my doc says something to me which seems so very wrong on sooo many levels...let me try and quote him as accurately as possible.
"Okay, uhhh... we've got a little problem here." Me-"What's the problem?" Dr. C. "Well, you didn't heal completely from the surgery and there's tissue that has formed over the opening that didn't completely close. I'm going to have to shave that off and then because it's so moist inside, I'll have to burn it so that it will scab over and heal." Me...listening... laying there, spread eagle..."So, when will we have to schedule this?" Dr. C..."Oh, I'm going to do it right now...okay, I've just put a CAMERA up in you so that you can watch up here on the screen." My head is whirling about now, my mind has focused on "shave it, burn it, camera up in you" Oh, hells yeah...sounds like a party! All I need now is a tube top, a cigarette, a canned beer and some bad teeth and the entire party would be complete.
So, I'm watching the television screen above me which is a live shot of my hootie-okay, kinda cool...until... he takes this stick thingy and is moving the flap of tissue back and forth showing me the opening that is NOT supposed to be there. Then I hear him say to the nurse..."you better get me 4 cans of nitro-whatever blahblahblahblah..." My mind is thinking "Oh, holy shit...here we go again." Dr. C. says to me as I look AWAY from the screen because the feeling of him flipping that piece of tissue around like it was a light switch on a wall of a frequently used restroom, at the same time I was watching it on the screen, was freaking me out. Sensory OVERLOAD...Danger!!! Danger!!! Stop flipping that around, please....PLEASE! Put...the...stick...thingy...down,...SIR, or I will crush your highly trained surgeon's arms and hands with my cellulite laden thighs!
Dr. C. says to me "Now, most women don't feel this at all." As he suddenly starts "shaving, burning, videotaping"...Really?? Oh, okay....Okay.......OKAYYYY....You're a freaking liar! OR those women are...doesn't matter because right now, my hootie could double as a dragon's breath. I don't know if he actually "video taped" the procedure, because I couldn't watch. I was too busy squeezing my eyes shut and trying not to call him a plethora of horrible but accurate names that I learned from my Dad, the sailor.
For the next two days, my crotch felt like someone had taken a blowtorch to it as if they were finishing off a creme brulee. "Most women don't feel this at all." My ass, they don't. Actually, my hootie, they don't.
We've been enjoying a "STAYCATION" this week with some friends. We're staying at home and driving into Branson and using vouchers and tickets to shows, Silver Dollar City, etc. that we've all collected over the last year from various people and haven't had a chance to use yet! Very fun, and get to sleep in our own beds!
So, yesterday afternoon we went to "The New Shanghai Circus" and it was awesome. Last night, we had tickets to the "Kirby Van Burch Magic Show". Uhhh....the only magic going on in that place was whatever the force was that was keeping him upright and keeping some audience member in close proximity from bitch slapping him. He kept tripping and stumbling, they had "technical difficulties" two times during the show that completely shut it down for a good 20 minutes each time and we NEVER got to see the big tiger. You could hear the trap doors closing as they were jumping into them, you could see the pockets in the "magic handkerchiefs"...sheeeze, I know the tickets were free and all, but there were people who PAID and they were getting the same "magic" that we were...unfortunate for them.
Friends, if you've ever seen ol' Kirby's photos on his advertisements, he looks about 25. In real life, he's about 60 and has bad hair. Those photos are either from 35 years ago, or someone is REALLY good with Photoshop. Actually, we thought he might be sick or something. After researching him- after we got home, we found out that he has been in trouble for tax evasion, and even worse...animal neglect/abuse...unbelievable. Maybe he's a really nice guy and just had some unfortunate things happen. Maybe. Or maybe he's a douchebag. Actually, at one point in his life, he was a FANTASTIC magician in Las Vegas. He won many awards and had a huge following. Key word...HAD. My advice is- if you are going to visit Branson-don't waste your money or time on his show. I hope he gets better...no matter what the problem was last night. Especially after finding out how awesome he used to be. Technical difficulties, no kidding.
Tonight it looks like we're in for another long night of severe storms, tennis ball sized hail-or as I said earlier by mistake -tennis sized ball hail .- and tornadoes. Which means, no sleep and a lot of nervous energy. I freakin' despise tornadoes. I've been in three...one was too many. I can only hope that no one gets hit by a Joplin or Moore type tornado tonight.
I'm glad to see that they've finally found a correlation between hotflashes and memory loss. All they had to do was call me, I could have given them all the info they needed...right after I changed my clothes from sweating and remembered where I had put the phone. I could have told them all about the connection between hotflashes and memory loss while I was mopping my brow, standing in the refrigerator door while fanning myself waiting for the air conditioning to kick on that I just moved down to the "Antarctic" line on the thermostat and looking for my keys or purse or pin or ass or kitchen or bed or car, etc. Anyone have a moist towelette??
I'd like to give Chris Sacco credit for the "Hootie and the Blowtorch" title...he asked me if I'd been blogging lately...I answered no. He said "you could tell the story about your last appt. and call it Hootie and the Blowtorch!!" Cracked me up, hence this blogpost! :)
