I had a very long conversation with a very old friend yesterday. It was one of those events that happens in your life that you know was meant to be. Without going into detail about what our four-hour colloquy included, I will say that it was a genuine, in-depth, heartfelt exchange of thoughts, ideas and possibilities. It felt like a soft, warm blanket cloaking me from a harsh, stinging coldness.
I've always felt like I needed to know more, do more, be more. The thing is, as I've matured not only in age, but also in "being", I've realized that every single day of my life has been, in one way or another, a day in which I knew more, did more, or have been more. I continue to grow as a spiritual person and have been reminded over the last couple of years that my existence is not only what I make of it, but also that there IS a very real and lasting extension and understanding to the numbered days we are all living.
I exist within a bubble of questions, ideas, challenges and insights, as do we all. Fortunately, I have always had the ability to say to myself "But, what if?" and know that the idea of "what if" was a way for me to see beyond the information that was given to me and expand my knowledge while satisfying the need to challenge the status quo. My mind does not allow me to just accept without question. I have always wanted to know the whys and hows of everything. I have lived my life thus far thinking that what I put out there into the world is what will eventually come back to me. Karma, if you will. I believe that this week's announcement on the national news that John Edwards has a bad heart condition is an event that has karma written all over it. Not that I wanted him to be sick, but sometimes, you just have to open your eyes to truly see what is happening around us. Of course, that's not to say that every single person who has something wrong with him or her is a "victim" of karma. That's not what I'm saying at all. I'm just telling you that what you put out there into the world, affects you and other people whom you do and do not know. We breed what we are, what we live.
My perspective about how I handle things has changed over the last decade. Mainly because the physical pain I have learned to endure had become a catalyst for my explosive personality - which used to be short fused, quick to anger and let it all go - on whoever was the unfortunate soul who had triggered my rage, to be multiplied several times over. When I'm in lots of pain, or even just at a slightly elevated pain level-but for an extended period of time, I can physically feel my blood pressure rising and before I can catch myself, I'm yelling, biting John's head off, being short with my words, and very flippant and rude. One day not too long ago, John had his can full of me, and politely said. "Carolinn!" (which was my first clue something was wrong, because he always calls me "honey") "Carolinn! Do you realize that you've continually attacked me since I got home from work yesterday? You are being so short and rude to me. Would you please stop???!!" BlinkBlink...BlinkBlink...I had not realized that I was doing that to him...it took about 2.5 seconds for me to review my actions over the last few hours and come to the conclusion that I was reacting to being in pain. Not making an excuse, because the reaction is something I can control, but the pain is not. The constant, wrenching pain was and is an automatic multiplier of whatever bitchiness I have in me. What he said was true. I had been rude and unreasonable to him. So now, I'm very careful of how and what I say when I'm having a hard time dealing with the vicious attack on my good cells by my bad cells which cause a very uncomfortable time to be had by not only me, but all who are around me. Thank you, John, for your patience.
How does this all tie in together? I am now putting out there a much more tolerable, positive Carolinn, when I'm dealing with pain or anything that troubles me. I have taken time to breathe, focus, meditate and control my reactions to the onslaught so that it isn't so offensive to those whom I love and who take care of me. This realization has allowed me to apply this more positive reaction to other areas of my life. Again, what I put out there, comes back to me in some form or another. I believe that I'm broadening my sense of self. I am suddenly cognizant of things that, if I ever had been cognizant of, had forgotten them over the years. My mid-life scariness, as is the title of this Blog, is becoming less and less scary all of the time.
It is with this inkling that I say I am in a constant state of trying to be a good person, trying to do the right things and spreading the love and encouragement that has been given to me by not only my family, but numerous friends from my lifespan. The last few years of my life, I have not been doing that. I had allowed myself to become a judgmental, spiteful person...which is why, I believe, my heart has been so troubled. My vision of me is now a truthful one. I haven't always been able to say that....but now I can. So, the soft, warm blanket I spoke of earlier, I now know to be the understanding that can only come with age, experience, maturity and self awareness. I AM middle aged, I AM sick, and I AM able to change and grow into a better person.
It hasn't been an easy journey for me. I kept thinking it was the people I was dealing with at school (work) and their idiocy that was the main reason I was so angry and frustrated all of the time. And yes, I still believe that had a lot to do with it. When you work with liars who are on an ego trip, and will say and do anything to get their way, even at the cost of the students' education, that can be a very depressing and anger inducing environment in which to work.
So, now I've come to a new chapter in my existence. I believe this chapter of my life will be amended from Mid-Life Scariness to Mid- Life Scariness and The Awakening. To all of my friends and family members out there who happen to read this, I want you all to know that I love you, appreciate you and respect you. For those old friends from elementary, jr. high, high school and college who I have just recently reconnected with through Facebook, I can't thank you enough for the laughs, memories and encouragement you've sent me across them miles!!!
I will continue to work toward a healthier self and hopefully I will invoke a positive change for those who share my life. Ahhhhhh, yes, the blanket is very warm and soft, indeed!!!!
(((Hugs))) to everyone.
I've always felt like I needed to know more, do more, be more. The thing is, as I've matured not only in age, but also in "being", I've realized that every single day of my life has been, in one way or another, a day in which I knew more, did more, or have been more. I continue to grow as a spiritual person and have been reminded over the last couple of years that my existence is not only what I make of it, but also that there IS a very real and lasting extension and understanding to the numbered days we are all living.
I exist within a bubble of questions, ideas, challenges and insights, as do we all. Fortunately, I have always had the ability to say to myself "But, what if?" and know that the idea of "what if" was a way for me to see beyond the information that was given to me and expand my knowledge while satisfying the need to challenge the status quo. My mind does not allow me to just accept without question. I have always wanted to know the whys and hows of everything. I have lived my life thus far thinking that what I put out there into the world is what will eventually come back to me. Karma, if you will. I believe that this week's announcement on the national news that John Edwards has a bad heart condition is an event that has karma written all over it. Not that I wanted him to be sick, but sometimes, you just have to open your eyes to truly see what is happening around us. Of course, that's not to say that every single person who has something wrong with him or her is a "victim" of karma. That's not what I'm saying at all. I'm just telling you that what you put out there into the world, affects you and other people whom you do and do not know. We breed what we are, what we live.
My perspective about how I handle things has changed over the last decade. Mainly because the physical pain I have learned to endure had become a catalyst for my explosive personality - which used to be short fused, quick to anger and let it all go - on whoever was the unfortunate soul who had triggered my rage, to be multiplied several times over. When I'm in lots of pain, or even just at a slightly elevated pain level-but for an extended period of time, I can physically feel my blood pressure rising and before I can catch myself, I'm yelling, biting John's head off, being short with my words, and very flippant and rude. One day not too long ago, John had his can full of me, and politely said. "Carolinn!" (which was my first clue something was wrong, because he always calls me "honey") "Carolinn! Do you realize that you've continually attacked me since I got home from work yesterday? You are being so short and rude to me. Would you please stop???!!" BlinkBlink...BlinkBlink...I had not realized that I was doing that to him...it took about 2.5 seconds for me to review my actions over the last few hours and come to the conclusion that I was reacting to being in pain. Not making an excuse, because the reaction is something I can control, but the pain is not. The constant, wrenching pain was and is an automatic multiplier of whatever bitchiness I have in me. What he said was true. I had been rude and unreasonable to him. So now, I'm very careful of how and what I say when I'm having a hard time dealing with the vicious attack on my good cells by my bad cells which cause a very uncomfortable time to be had by not only me, but all who are around me. Thank you, John, for your patience.
How does this all tie in together? I am now putting out there a much more tolerable, positive Carolinn, when I'm dealing with pain or anything that troubles me. I have taken time to breathe, focus, meditate and control my reactions to the onslaught so that it isn't so offensive to those whom I love and who take care of me. This realization has allowed me to apply this more positive reaction to other areas of my life. Again, what I put out there, comes back to me in some form or another. I believe that I'm broadening my sense of self. I am suddenly cognizant of things that, if I ever had been cognizant of, had forgotten them over the years. My mid-life scariness, as is the title of this Blog, is becoming less and less scary all of the time.
It is with this inkling that I say I am in a constant state of trying to be a good person, trying to do the right things and spreading the love and encouragement that has been given to me by not only my family, but numerous friends from my lifespan. The last few years of my life, I have not been doing that. I had allowed myself to become a judgmental, spiteful person...which is why, I believe, my heart has been so troubled. My vision of me is now a truthful one. I haven't always been able to say that....but now I can. So, the soft, warm blanket I spoke of earlier, I now know to be the understanding that can only come with age, experience, maturity and self awareness. I AM middle aged, I AM sick, and I AM able to change and grow into a better person.
It hasn't been an easy journey for me. I kept thinking it was the people I was dealing with at school (work) and their idiocy that was the main reason I was so angry and frustrated all of the time. And yes, I still believe that had a lot to do with it. When you work with liars who are on an ego trip, and will say and do anything to get their way, even at the cost of the students' education, that can be a very depressing and anger inducing environment in which to work.
So, now I've come to a new chapter in my existence. I believe this chapter of my life will be amended from Mid-Life Scariness to Mid- Life Scariness and The Awakening. To all of my friends and family members out there who happen to read this, I want you all to know that I love you, appreciate you and respect you. For those old friends from elementary, jr. high, high school and college who I have just recently reconnected with through Facebook, I can't thank you enough for the laughs, memories and encouragement you've sent me across them miles!!!
I will continue to work toward a healthier self and hopefully I will invoke a positive change for those who share my life. Ahhhhhh, yes, the blanket is very warm and soft, indeed!!!!
(((Hugs))) to everyone.
